Until I Disappear

“Miss Green, the results show that you have late-stage pancreatic cancer. The situation isn’t good for you. If you give up on treatment, you might have less than a month left. Are you sure you don’t want to receive treatment? Will your husband agree to it?” “I’m sure that… he will.” After I hung up, I surveyed the empty house and felt sadness fill every fiber of my heart. I had thought that the pain I felt was due to my dear old friend, gastritis, but it was cancer. I sighed and looked at the picture on the table. The eighteen-year-old Zach Stone stared at me in the photo. It had been years since, but I still remembered how the snow had fallen on my hair. At that time, Zach had smiled and asked whether this counted as us growing old together. Chapter 1 The happiness I once experienced made my mind wander. I grew up with Zach, and we started dating when we were eighteen. After we graduated from university, I moved into a basement with him and went through all sorts of hardships with him. I also watched him as he grew his company. Later on, he gave me an expensive house and a car. Since I loved dressing up, he also bought me the latest clothing lines from major brands and had them sent directly to our house. I loved traveling too, so he often took time to travel with me. Whenever our anniversaries rolled by, he would always prepare surprises for me. When he learned that I was infertile, he even blamed himself for it. Everyone had said that Zach loved me dearly. However, that same man formed another family with his female secretary seven years after we got married. He gave Monette Nelson, his secretary, a villa as their “love nest.” In the past, Zach would always come home to me. But as time passed, he started staying out overnight. He started treating Monette better, and his attitude toward me worsened. I felt as if he would always frown whenever he saw me. No longer wanting to think about this, I took a deep breath and started collecting the broken shards on the floor. Zach had shattered a plate when I argued with him a few days ago. It was our wedding anniversary that day, and I waited for him at home after I finished making dinner. He had promised to come back right after work, but he only returned home at 2 a.m. He had gone to keep Monette company again. We argued fiercely, and Zach said something that made me give up on him completely. “I need a child, Ninian.” I ran away in a panic because I did not have the courage to listen to what else he had to say. Zach did not run after me either. After staying at my old place for a week, I went to the hospital for a checkup because my stomach hurt too much. As I stared at the dust on the floor, I knew that Zach had not come home for a few days. While I continued picking up the shards, the medical report fell out of my pocket. I stared at the paper and stopped moving. Should I tell him? Would he be sad if he learned that I was going to die? I teared up, but I laughed at my thoughts. He was no longer the same Zach I once knew. This Zach would probably just tell me that I deserved it. With another deep breath, I continued collecting the shards. Suddenly, the dark house became bright; someone had turned on the lights. I squinted as I looked toward the door. Zach was standing there, and I saw a lipstick stain on his white collar. As he stared at me, he raised an eyebrow in annoyance. “Are you done with your tantrum?” I just quietly stuffed the medical report back in my pocket. Since I had not expected him to come back, I had gotten startled and accidentally cut myself. I ran into the kitchen to wash the cut with cold water. “Is this a new trick? Are you hurting yourself now? It seems I’ve really spoiled you, Ninian.” Even though I no longer held any hope for him, his words still hurt me. After all, Zach would never have spoken to me like that in the past. He knew that I lacked a sense of security. Whenever we argued, he would patiently try to calm me down. Sometimes, I would even run away from home, but he would never be frustrated by it. He would be able to find me every single time. I would ask him why he was not angry, and he would always say, “I want to spoil you so that you’ll never leave my side.” He would always give me the same answer over the past decade. However, everything changed after Monette showed up. I turned off the tap and took out the first aid kit to bandage my wound. When I said nothing, Zach spoke gently. “Stop throwing a tantrum already, Ninian. I’m just putting up an act with Monette. “Besides, all the other company presidents do this, and they still get along with their wives. “After she gives birth, I’ll send her to another country—” Just then, Zach’s phone rang. He cast a glance at it before heading into the living room. “Mr. Stone, where are you? I’m so scared of being alone. Could you come here soon?” I heard the delicate voice of a female. It was Monette. Zach comforted her gently and gingerly. It was as if he were treating a valuable, fragile piece of treasure. I said nothing. Once I dressed my wound, I continued putting away the food that had been on the table for a few days. After Zach hung up, he started to leave. “Zach,” I called out. “What is it now?” He was really impatient. “Monette got sick today, and I have to go over. Stop being unreasonable.” “Let’s get a divorce.” “Have you lost your mind, Ninian?!” Zach scowled at me. “You cut yourself, and now, you’re asking for a divorce. What’s next? Are you going to die?” “What if I told you that I was really about to die?” I asked softly, but he had already shut the door. The large house sank into silence once again after the slam of the door faded away. Pain traveled from my stomach through my entire body, and I quickly popped a painkiller into my mouth. It hurt so much. I wanted to tell Zach that I was truly going to die soon. With trembling hands, I called him, but all I got was the busy ringtone. I had been blocked. I laughed and looked at the calendar on the wall. “Zach, this is the first day of our eternal parting.” Chapter 2 After resting for a few days, I contacted a recycler I knew to sell all of my clothes, handbags, and jewelry. “Mrs. Stone, Mr. Stone really loves you. The new clothing lines of the season just arrived yesterday, and you’re already clearing them out of your closet?” As I listened to her, I smiled. I casually swiped to Monette’s Instagram and saw her newest post. She had just posted it this morning. It showed the newest handbag of the season. After I sent the recycler out, I asked Susan Yegler, my best friend, to check out a place. I brought her to the suburbs and parked the car in front of a graveyard. Susan stared at me in surprise. I did not explain and just dragged her in. The graveyard was on a mountain, and it even had a river. It was the first pick for many rich families as their final resting place. The staff gave us an enthusiastic introduction to the place. After looking around, I picked a spot I liked and paid the deposit. My parents passed away a few years ago, and I had no siblings. Since no one was going to visit me after I died, I wanted to pick a good place for myself. Over the years, Zach had earned a lot of money. However, I pitied him since he had to work so hard. Hence, I never had the heart to spend the money he gave me. I always helped him save up. As the end of my life drew nearer, I finally came around. At last, I was willing to spend his money, though it was in such a manner. Seriously, pitying a man would just bring misfortune to one’s life. The staff then asked me for the name of the grave owner. “It’s for me.” After that, I wrote my name on the form. As everyone stared at me in shock and pity, I dragged Susan out of the graveyard. The moment we got into the car, she started demanding answers. “What’s going on, Ninian?! Why are you picking a grave for yourself?!” Susan was worried and scared. She was terrified of losing me. I could not help but think of Zach. If he had been the one who came with me today, would he be scared too? “Ninian!” Susan interrupted my thoughts. “I have pancreatic cancer. The doctor says I have a month left.” I looked outside and said it so calmly that it was as if I was talking about the weather. I had thought about coming here alone, but I would be too pitiful if I had to face this terrifying time alone. Besides, I needed Susan to help me take care of my funeral. When I saw Susan tear up, I found myself feeling a little happy. Look at that. I still had someone who cared about me. However, my stomach twisted in pain immediately after. The dense, continuous waves of pain made me break out in cold sweat. Susan wanted to bring me to the hospital, but I begged her to bring me back home instead. Honestly, I was scared of being alone in the cold hospital. I did not want to be trapped on a narrow bed either. To prevent Susan from worrying, I tried my best to stay awake. But in the end, I still fainted from the pain. In my daze, I heard Susan make a call. “Zach, you piece of trash! Come here right now!” When Zach got home, Susan had already left. I sat alone on the couch with a cup of warm water in my hands. It had just been a few days, and I had already lost a lot of weight. My clothes, which once suited me, hung off my frame loosely. Cancer was really torture. “What are you trying to pull this time? Give it a rest already. Don’t you know that I’m busy?” Zach scowled. I had nothing to say to that. The door swung open again, and Monette came in this time with a bag of fruit. Before I could ask any questions, she said, “Mrs. Stone, I asked to come here. I heard that you fainted while I was out shopping with Mr. Stone. That’s why I decided to check on you too.” So, he was actually just busy shopping with his mistress. I scoffed. “What’s with that attitude?!” Zach scowled further. “Ninian, when did you start becoming so rude and low-class?!” “And your ‘class’ teaches you to cheat on your wife?” I glared at him coldly. Zach fell silent. “Don’t be mad, Mrs. Stone. It’s my fault. Don’t blame Mr. Stone,” Monette said in a choked-up voice, but I could see that smug look on her face. “If you don’t like me, I can just leave.” In the next second, Zach roared, “I’m leaving with you! With that unreasonable woman around, this isn’t my home anymore!” As I watched how exasperated he was, I remembered the first day we moved to this place. He held my hand as we visited every part of the house. At that time, we sat next to each other on the couch, and he said that home was wherever I was. However, he said that I was no longer worthy of becoming his home. I held my cup tightly and looked down as I tried my hardest not to cry. Zach wanted to leave with Monette. Suddenly, his phone rang. After a few seconds of hesitation, he went to the balcony. Once she saw that Zach had walked far away, Monette relaxed as well. She looked toward the vase on the table. “It’s lilies? I thought you liked daisies.” I frowned. How did she know? “Do you really think this is my first time here?” Monette chuckled and looked around. “I know your couch, kitchen, study, and even your bed more than you think I do.” I felt a chill run down my spine, and I froze. I had picked every single piece of furniture in the house carefully. But right then, they disgusted me so much that I wanted to puke. “By the way, have you changed the chair in the study? It’s not very comfy—” I could no longer bear listening to her and slapped her. Monette’s face swelled up quickly. She just chuckled, but in the next second, she started crying. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Stone. I won’t do it again.” Immediately after, someone shoved me away. “Ninian, have you lost your mind?!” Chapter 3 Zach shielded Monette. I opened my mouth, but I found myself unable to say anything. Tears had finally blurred my vision, and I found that I could not connect this Zach with his eighteen-year-old self anymore. Zach no longer spared me another glance. While holding Monette’s shoulder, he led her out. “Zach, if I’m about to die, will you still treat me this way?” He did not turn around. “If you’ll stop throwing these tantrums once you die, just die.” I instantly lost all my strength and collapsed on the floor dejectedly. Heh. So, he wanted me dead so badly? After that day, Zach never came back home. I did not care about it either. I just made a checklist for my funeral. I took a portrait of myself to put on my gravestone and bought the clothes I would be wearing in my coffin. After a few days, the owner of the photography studio asked me to retrieve my photo. When I saw my photo, I felt a well of complicated emotions. Just as I was about to go back home, I spotted Zach and Monette in the corner. “Why are you here? Were you following me?” I did not want to argue with him anymore. My stomach was hurting, and I just wanted to leave the place as soon as possible. “Mr. Stone, it looks like Mrs. Stone was here to take photos.” As Monette spoke, she tried to grab my photo, but I took a quick step backward. “She doesn’t want us to see it.” Monette sounded sad, but she was implying something else. “Why are you being so mysterious? You’re making us think that you’re hiding a secret.” Zach’s expression changed, and he looked at the photo. “What exactly is it?” The pain increased. I did not want to talk to them anymore, but Zach grabbed my wrist. When he looked at me, his eyes were filled with disgust and suspicion. However, I would no longer be hurt by those eyes. “It’s nothing. It’s none of your business.” I broke out of his grip, but Zach grabbed the side of the photo. While we were fighting for it, the photo fell on the floor, and my portrait was revealed before everyone’s eyes. “Why is it in black and white?” Monette feigned surprise, but I saw her smiling. I accepted my fate as I looked at the photo on the floor. They still saw it in the end. Would Zach regret how he treated me during my final days? “Is this what you’ve been hiding?” I heard his cold and calm voice. Zach’s expression was dark. I saw no traces of pain or regret on him. “Are you serious this time?” This man pitied me when I would so much as cough in the past. But he was currently thinking that I was fooling around with death. The sadder fact was this: I had actually held out a shred of hope for him earlier. I smiled. “Can’t I? I want to see you regret your actions.” “Then, die.” He shoved me and walked forward. I could no longer stand and collapsed on the floor. The passersby cried out in surprise, and Monette hurriedly helped me up. She grabbed my arm and whispered into my ear, “See that? Even if you die, it’s useless. He no longer loves you.” I used my final bit of strength to break away from her. Zach saw this and called out to Monette coldly, “Ignore her. This is one of her old tricks. If she likes acting so much, let her.” I went back home with the help of the strangers around me. After taking a painkiller, the pain in my stomach went away bit by bit. Feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, I lay down on the couch and covered my ears. In my ears, all I could hear was Zach telling me to die. I remembered one winter in the past when I was sick. The situation was so dire that the doctor made several announcements that I was in critical condition. We had no money back then, so Zach went to his friends and family to ask for money. He was regarded with scorn, and they even insulted him. I pitied him and did not want to become a burden. So, I stubbornly refused to take any medicine and refused to accept treatment as well. Zach then knelt beside my bed and held my hand as he cried, “Please, Ninian. Take your medicine, okay?” Fast forward to the present, and Zach wanted me dead more than anyone else. I looked at the calendar on the wall. There were only a few days left until my one month was up. Fortunately, he was about to have his wish. Chapter 4 I went through my days just like that, and my health deteriorated. I became more lethargic, and the frequency of pain flares grew. Susan wanted me to stay with her, but I did not want to. I just wanted to be alone and live through my final days quietly. Monette refused to let me have my peace, though. She would often send me messages. Sometimes, they were pictures of her and Zach out traveling. Sometimes, they were selfies taken in front of a mirror in a luxurious hotel. Sometimes, they were pictures of Zach’s sleeping face. However, even when I saw those intimate photos, I felt nothing. That was until Monette sent me a special picture one day. It was a picture of the old house I had with Zach. Just as I wanted to ask her what it meant, Monette sent me another message. [A present.] I immediately panicked and called Zach, but no one answered. In my unease, I pulled myself together and grabbed a cab to my old house. That was our first house after we moved out of the basement. While we lived there, we watched the company grow and had many beautiful memories together. That was why I never found the heart to sell it, even after Zach gave me a better house. It was because this house contained memories unique to us. Of course, I was the only one who remembered them. Nevertheless, I wanted to keep the house because I still wanted to preserve those memories. I rushed over, only to find that the door was open. A few construction workers were moving in and out, and the house was a mess. I broke down and yelled at the construction workers to stop, but they ignored me. Out of my wits, I called Zach again and again. After calling him more than a dozen times, he finally answered, “Yeah, I’m renovating the house. Monette wants to move in.” When Zach reached the old house, it was already almost 1 p.m. The construction workers had already left, and I had waited for him for five hours. However, that was not important. “Why are you renovating the place? You know just how important this place is to me…” I demanded in a quivering voice. Zach knew just how many beautiful memories the place contained and how much it mattered to me. He knew that I would always come here to remember and lick my wounds whenever I argued with him while waiting for him. He knew all this, but he still did this because Monette wanted it. Zach said nothing, and then, I heard high heels clicking against the floor. It was Monette. “Mrs. Stone, don’t blame Mr. Stone. It’s my fault. Things have been pretty busy at the company lately, and I wanted to rent a place close by. “Mr. Stone then said that he has a house. While it’s a little old, it could be renovated. “I didn’t know that it was so important to you. Please calm down. I’ll have the construction workers restore it to how it originally looked,” Monette apologized timidly. She then stepped inside. “Oh, no… The place is already wrecked.” She sighed, but she was smiling. She did this on purpose. I clenched my fists, but Zach stood in front of me. “It’s just a worn-down house, and you’re trying to hit her again?!” “A worn-down house? To you, both the house and I are worn down, aren’t we?” Zach then dragged Monette behind him. “Monette wants the place for something serious. Stop throwing a tantrum. “If you like this location, I’ll buy a new one for you.” “I don’t want it.” I glared at him through my tears. “I just want this place.” Zach scowled. “Stop being so unreasonable, Ninian.” “Don’t blame Mrs. Stone for this, Mr. Stone. It’s my fault.” Monette held his hand. “Should I compensate you?” “Using what?!” I yelled at her. “This is my house! Get out!” I shoved her. Monette lost her footing and stumbled backward a few steps. She crashed into a corner of the wall and got hurt. She frowned, and Zach immediately held her hand tightly. “Ninian, you’ve really lost your mind! “You want this place? You can forget about it! “I bought this house! I can do whatever I want with it! “And don’t forget just who is providing for you right now!” Chapter 5 Zach left with Monette. I stood outside and leaned against the wall. I could not quite catch my breath. I received a message notification on my phone, and it was from Monette. [I win. Just you watch. I’ll take everything you own.] I turned my phone off after I took one look at the message. Then, I entered the house. All of the furniture had been moved out, and the floor was filled with holes. A few buckets of unopened paint sat in a corner of the balcony. They were all pink—the color Monette liked. The house was empty. Nothing was left. The bay window I loved and had installed in the bedroom had been smashed to pieces. The floral-patterned tablecloth I loved had been thrown into the trash can. The curtains I had chosen meticulously with Zach lay alone in the trash can downstairs as well. No one cared about it anymore. I walked around the house and finally realized the truth. After taking one last look at my former house from the door, I left the place. Once I returned to the mansion, I looked at the furniture there and remembered what Monette said. I immediately contacted a recycling company and got rid of all the furniture Monette mentioned. These were my final days. I did not want anything to impact my mood anymore. By the time I saw the recycling company off, it was already midnight. I was sweating from all the activity as I lay on the carpet. I felt unprecedentedly light. My time drew closer day by day, but I became calmer. As I took more painkillers, the days I remained awake grew fewer. Suddenly, one day, I became filled with energy. I contacted a postman and handed him two document folders. One of them was for Susan. In it were some instructions and a checklist for all of my assets. The other one was for Zach. It contained a divorce agreement, which I had already signed. Even if I was going to die, I still wanted to sever all ties with him. Since we did not want to see each other, there was no need for us to meet for this. Besides, I knew that he would definitely sign the papers. Once I was done with everything, I sat in the courtyard to sunbathe. The weather was nice, and my mood became much better. When I saw how pale my face was, I decided to put on some lipstick. While I was searching for my lipstick in my bedroom, I found my old diary. It had been forgotten in the depths of the drawer, and there was already a layer of dust on it. I flipped it open and found that it recorded my relationship with Zach. I wrote about how we grew to love each other, how he had awkwardly confessed to me, how we dated while studying in university, how we started a business, built a company, and how Zach made it bigger and better… I wrote a lot for each entry. As I read through them, I smiled. However, the entries grew shorter the further I got into the diary. Then, in the last entry, I only wrote one sentence. [He’s not back today again.] I took a look at the date. It was dated a few years ago. From that day on, I no longer had the habit of writing in my diary. The diary itself was also forgotten. I sat in front of my table. After a few seconds of hesitation, I picked up my pen again. When I finished, the sun was already setting. My stomach started hurting again, and I popped a few painkillers with familiar ease. As I lay on the carpet, the medicine seemed to be taking effect. My pain gradually faded away, and my body felt light as well. In my daze, I thought I saw an eighteen-year-old Zach running toward me. It was snowing, and his nose was red from the cold, but he was still smiling. He extended his hand to me with shining eyes. As I looked at him, I placed my hand in his, and we ran together toward the snow. Chapter 6 Zach only opened the document folder the next day after he received it. The moment he got it at noon yesterday, he saw the name and set it aside. He only remembered it after Monette reminded him. When he saw the divorce papers, Zach thought that Ninian was being absolutely ridiculous. “She’s asking for a divorce? Mrs. Stone must be angry because of the old house. You’ve already told her that I’m moving in because of work, but she still refuses to be understanding? Should I not move in?” Monette’s words enraged Zach. “Why shouldn’t you?! I’m going to teach her a lesson this time! Call the construction team and have them work faster!” His angry words made Monette feel smug, though she hid it. She left the room to carry out his orders. ‘Continue your tantrum. The more you make a fuss, the happier I am,’ she thought. Zach threw the divorce papers on the table and called Ninian, but no one answered. He called her a few times before deciding to go home. He wanted to see just how much trouble Ninian intended to cause this time. If she still wanted a divorce, he was going to fulfill her wish. Zach drove home and found no one there. Some of the furniture was even missing. However, he did not care about it and called out for Ninian. No one answered. He went upstairs, only to find that the originally stuffed closet was empty. The gifts from him that Ninian had said she would place in the most eye-catching places were gone as well. For some reason, he felt an emptiness in his heart. Nothing was left in the bedroom either, aside from a notebook on the table. The notebook was quite old since the corners of the pages were yellowed and curled up. Curious, Zach opened it. On the first page was Ninian’s beautiful handwriting. She had written their names on it and even childishly inserted a heart between them. Zach remembered that Ninian loved doing this the most when she was eighteen. At that time, she loved writing in her diary. She wrote in it practically every day after they got together. He was curious about its contents and asked Ninian to show it to him. But she would never let him read it. Hence, every night, after she fell asleep, he would open her “treasure,” then put it back in its place after he read it. Zach remembered that he was in every entry. Later on, as business for his company got on track, he became busier and lost the motivation to read her diary. He had also seen Ninian writing in the study a few times before. However, he did not remember her writing anything later. Zach flipped through it casually. He did not have the time or energy to read such affected sentimentality. He turned to the last page and found that there was only one sentence there. [Goodbye, Zach.] Zach read the words quietly, and anger burned in him. He threw the diary into the trash can and walked to the door. Ninian had run away from home again! Did she think she was still a child and she could scare him like this?! How ridiculous! Zach found Ninian’s phone number and attempted to block her again, but she called him right then. He sneered and answered it. “Didn’t you run away? I’m surprised you only lasted one day this time.” The person on the other end remained silent for a long time before he heard a choked-up voice. “It’s Susan. “Come to the funeral home. “Ninian is dead.”