In This Life, I'll Grant Your Heartache

Eleanor Beaumont and I absolutely loathe each other. She detests me for killing my elder brother, Valerian Ashford, and I abhor her for sleeping with him while carrying my child. Later, consumed by guilt, she petitions the king to make Valerian her prince consort and has the children I raised myself acknowledge him as their father. Heartbroken, I petition for a divorce and curse her to never find the love she longs for. In a fit of rage, she orders her men to break both my legs. She imprisons me in the rear courtyard, where she humiliates and torments me for 30 years. But on the day the city falls and the palace goes up in flames, Eleanor helps me, frail and emaciated, to my feet and supports me step by step as we flee the palace, despite having taken seven arrows in her own body. Even as death approaches, she shields me with her own body and begs through bloodstained tears, "Luke, I have wronged you. If there is a next life, I hope you'll give Val and me your blessing. Let's not torment each other anymore." … When I open my eyes again, I find myself back on the day of the Princess's Choosing. This time, Eleanor walks straight past me and places the pendant symbolizing her choice into Valerian's hands. I bow, smile, and offer my congratulations. "Your Highness, I wish you and Valerian a lifetime of love and happiness." This time, I will fulfill her lifelong wish. Be it in life or in death, I will never see her again. Chapter 1 After I wished the princess, Eleanor Beaumont, and my brother, Valerian Ashford, a lifetime of love and happiness, everyone in the hall turned to look at me in astonishment. Everyone in Alderwyn knew that Eleanor had once climbed 3,000 stone steps through the snow to the gates of the Grand Cathedral of Alderwyn in search of the serenity stone for me, knocking relentlessly until they opened up. She had also searched far and wide for famous physicians when I injured myself on the training grounds, and, disregarding all propriety, had stayed by my side for seven days and nights. She had said that I was the only one she would ever marry, so everyone had assumed that the person standing beside her that day would be me. I noticed Eleanor's eyes on me as well. But after a brief flicker of surprise, only coldness and wariness remained in her eyes. In that instant, I understood—she had been reborn too. In my past life, after Valerian died, she had looked at me the same way, as if she wished she could tear me into pieces. And all the more because his dying words had been, "Your Highness, if there is a next life, will you marry me?" From that moment on, Eleanor and I spent an entire lifetime resenting and hating each other. Every year, on the anniversary of Valerian's death, she forced me to get on my knees before his portrait and repent. "You owe Val his life! You owe it to him for the rest of your days!" She had even taught the children she had nearly died giving birth to—the very children I had raised with my own hands—not to acknowledge me. They smashed the gifts I bought them and cried, "You killed Father! You don't deserve to be our dad!" But later, when enemies breached the city, Eleanor, despite being shot by seven arrows, shielded me desperately, all just to beg me to give her and Valerian my blessing in the next life. So now, I smiled with perfect calm. "Congratulations, Your Highness, on your betrothal to Valerian." Eleanor's brows drew tightly together. Then, Valerian stepped forward and patted me on the shoulder. "Luke, I know this is hard for you, but Her Highness' heart belongs to me. Don't blame her for choosing me." The black opal bracelet on his wrist caught the light. It was the coming-of-age gift Grandfather had left me. Mother had forcibly taken it away yesterday, saying she would let Valerian have it because he needed to keep up appearances that day. I drew my hand back. "You're right, Valerian. How could I possibly hold that against her?" … After the banquet dispersed, Eleanor stopped me in the palace corridor. She looked down at me and said, her voice cold and thin, "Lucien, Val is weak. He cannot bear the slightest grievance. If you harm him out of jealousy, I will show you no mercy, not even for old times' sake." A bitter smile tugged at the corner of my lips as a bleak chill filled me. In my past life, I had pacified the vassal kings' rebellions for the sake of marrying her, and I had also taken a poisoned arrow from an assassin for her. But in the end, all I got out of it was her telling me that she wouldn't spare me for old times' sake. I lowered my eyes. "Your Highness, since you chose Valerian, I will most certainly give you my blessing." Eleanor's expression stiffened. After a long moment, she said in a heavy voice, "Behave yourself, and I will petition to find you a decent match." I turned and left without sparing her another glance. … The moment I got home and entered the courtyard, I saw Mother having several servants remove an amethyst ceremonial crown from my room. I had saved three years of monthly stipends and entrusted someone to bring me the finest dawnstar pearls from Elaris to complement the amethyst, and had personally set each one to form the entwined roses on the crown's peak. When Eleanor saw it back then, her eyes had lit up with delight, and she'd exclaimed, "Luke, when you wear this on our wedding day, it will symbolize us and the love we share! We will surely have a lifetime of happiness, never to be apart!" My breath caught, and I instinctively moved to stop the servants from taking the crown. But Mother shot me a glare, her gaze full of displeasure. "What do you think you're doing? You're no longer the candidate for the prince consort! This ceremonial crown will be perfect for Val. If you dare stir up any trouble before the wedding, I won't spare you!" I clenched my teeth and slowly retreated to the side, saying nothing more. After they left, I pulled out a wooden box from a hidden compartment under my bed. Inside lay a betrothal agreement written on a piece of yellowed parchment. Three years ago, a woman had followed her father to war. But before she left, she had asked me if I would be willing to marry her when she returned. At the time, Eleanor occupied my heart completely, so I'd never answered her question properly. Now, I picked up my quill and wrote a reply. "I will marry you. Are you still willing to marry me?" Chapter 2 News of the Princess's Choosing spread through Alderwyn overnight, and I became the laughingstock of the city. "Princess Eleanor used to insist it had to be Lucien and no one else, didn't she? And now she's chosen someone else? Which lady of prestige would dare marry him after he's been publicly rejected like that?" "He must have done something filthy to disgust Her Highness." I heard every single word of it, but I let them all pass. I had heard far worse in my past life. ... Soon, ceremonial wedding robes were delivered from the palace. Valerian changed into the crimson robe and smiled smugly as Mother affectionately straightened it out. "You look stunning, Val. Take good care of each other after you marry Princess Eleanor, okay?" Father sat to the side, poring over a map of Alderwyn as he decided which shop he would buy for Valerian as a gift. As I stood outside the door, I suddenly remembered the day of my wedding in my past life. Valerian had been so upset that he fell sick, and Mother was so worried about him that her eyes were swollen, but Father had scolded me coldly. "How can you bring yourself to dress up so lavishly when your brother is so sick? Do you want to make him feel worse?" In truth, I should have understood long ago that they didn't love me. Mother had suffered a difficult labor giving birth to me and decided I was bad luck. So before I was even two months old, they had sent me away to my grandparents, who lived in a remote estate near the border. There, Grandfather taught me to ride and shoot a bow, while Grandmother stayed up late sewing my riding clothes by lamplight. When I scraped my knees, Grandfather would carry me home on his back, while Grandmother, her eyes red-rimmed, cursed the uneven training grounds. Grandfather died on the battlefield the year I turned ten, and it was only then that I was brought back to Alderwyn. But Mother found me crude, and Father thought I had no manners. Even Valerian looked me over with disgust and asked, "Is this a new servant you got me?" To please my parents, I put away my lively nature and learned to read and write like Valerian. I also mimicked his refined manners and propriety. Bit by bit, I molded myself into the person they wanted me to be. Later, I met Eleanor again at a palace banquet. She had once stayed for a time in the army camp at the border with the king, and we rode wild horses together. She had held my hand and said, "Luke, you were born to ride with the wind." But later, she was the very person who'd locked me up in the rear courtyard and broken both my legs. Snapping out of my thoughts, I turned and was just about to leave when Valerian suddenly called out to me. "Luke, Princess Eleanor wants me to go with her to Bellgrave Gardens to try out the horses there. You should come too." Then, before I even had a chance to refuse, he pulled me into the carriage. But when we arrived at Bellgrave Gardens, I saw at a glance that Valerian was riding Starlight, the horse Grandfather had personally chosen for me. I hurried forward. "Give me the reins!" Valerian smiled provocatively. "Can't bear to part with it? But Princess Eleanor has already given it to me!" He leaned close, his voice extremely soft. "You had Grandfather's affection when you were at the border, and after returning to Alderwyn, Princess Eleanor has always been concerned about you. What makes you deserve that?" With that, he drew a dagger and drove it hard into Starlight's belly. Starlight let out a piercing neigh and charged madly toward the fence. Valerian screamed, "Your Highness! Save me!" Eleanor rode over at full speed and ordered her guards to pull him from the saddle. Valerian, pale with fright, stuttered, "Y-Your Highness, I only wanted to try Luke's horse... I-I suppose I shouldn't have touched it." Eleanor didn't ask a single question. She simply strode forward and lashed me hard with her horsewhip. Fiery pain instantly flared across my back. The servants rushed up and forced me to my knees. "You knew Val isn't skilled in horsemanship! How dare you hurt him! It seems I've indulged you too much in the past!" I offered her no explanation. In my past life, after Valerian died, Eleanor forced me to my knees before his grave and had me write a confession admitting my crimes. I had merely asked, "Why should I?" when she ordered her guards to force my head down and slam it against the cobblestones, again and again, until blood stained the ground. She had only said coldly, "If I had a second chance, I would never let you hurt him again." Now, as if stung by the look in my eyes, Eleanor suddenly threw down the whip. I collapsed to the ground, the wounds covering my body so painful that cold sweat broke out across my skin. Not far away, Starlight was pinned down by the guards. Eleanor raised her bow. My heart skipped a beat, and I lunged forward to grab the hem of her clothes. "Your Highness! It was only startled! Please, I beg you, spare it! Don't kill it..." But Valerian lightly coughed twice, looked at Eleanor, and said in a trembling voice, "Your Highness, I don't feel good..." The very next second, the bowstring sang, and a sharp arrow tore through the air before piercing straight through Starlight's neck. "No!" My eyes widened with rage as I scrambled and crawled toward it. Starlight lay in a pool of blood, struggling to turn its head and nuzzle my palm, as gentle as when Grandfather had lifted me onto its back as a child. Then, it stopped moving. Tears blurred my vision instantly. Eleanor's hand on the bow stiffened for a moment, then she looked away. "This beast deserved to die for harming the prince consort." Valerian said softly, "Your Highness, don't blame Luke. He just cares too much about this horse. After all, Grandfather left it to him." Eleanor took his arm and turned away. "Come on, let's go find you a better one." I watched as Starlight went cold, bit by bit, and finally understood that some things, once dead, were never coming back. Chapter 3 As soon as I returned home, a mug came flying straight at me. Warm blood trickled down along my brow, and the world before my eyes turned scarlet. Father sat in the hall, his face ashen. "Get down on your knees!" Mother then rushed forward, pointing at me and shouting until her voice cracked, "Val only went with Her Highness to try out the horses! How dare you harm him! Will you only be happy when you see him dead?" I stood where I was, my back ramrod straight. Then, Valerian, pale-faced, was helped in by Eleanor. "Mother, don't say that about Luke. He just couldn't bear to part with that horse, so he lost his head for a moment." Eleanor's gaze swept across the blood covering my face, and she paused for an instant. But Valerian coughed lightly, and she immediately lowered her head and asked worriedly, "Are you still feeling unwell?" Mother was heartbroken. When she looked at me again, only loathing remained in her eyes. Then, she barked at the servants, "What are you still standing there for? Get me the whip!" Several servants rushed over and forcibly pressed me down onto a long bench. The whip whistled through the air and struck heavily across my back. Skin and flesh split open instantly. I trembled all over from the pain, but I clenched my hands tight. In my past life, I had blocked an assassin's attack and taken a poisoned blade for Eleanor. The wound had been deep enough to expose bone, but still I hadn't cried out. She held me and wept, "Luke, from now on, I will kill whoever dares to hurt you!" After 30 lashes, the flesh on my back had already been flayed open. Valerian finally spoke. "Mother, my wedding is the day after tomorrow. I want Luke to see me off. Stop whipping him." Only then did Mother wave her hand to stop the servants. "Drag him into the cellar and see that he writes a hundred-page apology letter to Val. He doesn't get to come out until he completes it!" The cellar was cold and damp. As I sat on a mat, my hand holding the quill shook so badly that I could barely grip it. With every single word I wrote, the wounds on my palm split open a little more. The parchment was soon soaked through with blood. In the middle of the night, I developed a high fever. In my daze, I felt someone hold my hand and wipe the blood away from it. When I opened my eyes, I saw Eleanor crouching in front of me. I yanked my hand back at once. "Your Highness, what are you doing here?" She frowned. "Val has been pleading for you this whole time, so I have decided that after I marry him, I'll bring you into the palace as a male consort. Val's health is frail, so you can take care of the children in the future. That way, you can stay by my side, and Val will have his brother with him too." A ringing filled my ears. In my past life, when my daughter was gravely ill, I wasn't allowed to visit her. Then, when my son began his education, the first name he wrote was Valerian's. And now, Eleanor was going to humiliate me like this again? I trembled with rage and grabbed a stack of parchment to hurl at her. But a voice suddenly came from the doorway. Valerian stood at the door, his eyes red as he looked at us. "Luke, I'm not even married to Her Highness yet, and you're already so eager to seduce her?" Then, more hurried footsteps followed. Seconds later, Mother charged in and slapped me across the face. "You vile creature! You're jealous that Val got to marry Her Highness, so you're intent on ruining him?" My cheek burned with pain, but I suddenly laughed. "Yes. I am jealous." The cellar went deathly silent in an instant. "I'm jealous that he was born with your love. He says one word about being cold, and you move every last portion of my coal to his courtyard." All the grievances of two lifetimes came surging up in that moment. "When he complained that distributing food to the poor was hard work, I was the one who stood in the scorching sun and ended up with heatstroke while he gained the reputation for being kind and generous. "When I was too sick to get out of bed, and he wanted pastries from Southvale, you made me brave the snow to buy them." I looked at Mother and asked, word by word, "Am I not your son too?" Mother's expression shifted slightly. Eleanor froze too, and for a moment, hesitation flickered in her eyes. But Valerian went pale and took half a step back, crying, "So this is how much you hate me, Luke? Would it be better if I gave you the position of prince consort and atoned with my death?" As he spoke, he covered his mouth and coughed heavily before collapsing straight to the ground. Eleanor's expression changed drastically. She rushed over to support him and yelled, "Summon the royal physician!" Half an hour later, the royal physician stood before Eleanor, his expression grave. "Mr. Valerian's heart has always been weak. Now, the shock and anger have further damaged his health. He must take a medicinal brew made with blood drawn from the wrist of his closest kin for three consecutive days. Only then will his condition stabilize." Mother walked up to me. "Luke, Val is the prince consort. We can't let anything happen to him." Father also spoke in a heavy voice. "It's only a few goblets of blood. You've always been strong and healthy since you were a child. Just endure it, and it will pass soon enough." Pain stabbed through my chest. "And if I refuse?" Eleanor rose, the last trace of warmth vanished from her eyes. "Hold him down." Her guards rushed forward and pinned my arms down firmly. Then, a dagger sliced my wrist open, and blood flowed into a goblet. The pain made my vision go black, yet Mother urged from the side, "Take more. Val is weak. We can't dilute the medicine." At that moment, I finally stopped feeling pain. After the blood was taken, I was dragged back to my room. I wasn't aware how much time had passed before a carrier pigeon landed on the windowsill. I dragged my battered body over and untied the note from its leg. There was only one line on it. "Luke, this is the pill you asked for. It can help you fake your death. I'll be waiting for you to come and marry me two days from now." Then, a wax-sealed pill rolled into my palm. As I clenched it tightly, tears finally fell. Chapter 4 Early the next morning, I was woken by laughter outside my room. "Did you hear? The king gave Princess Eleanor a bottle of his prized liquor that he kept in his wine cellar for 50 years as a wedding gift! Her Highness also had Alderwyn's finest craftsmen make a ceremonial crown for Mr. Valerian! "And that's not all! The most precious of all is the Heartbond pendant prepared by the late king himself! It is said to be passed down only to the prince consort!" Another voice sneered, "What does that one locked up in there have against Mr. Valerian? He's just a wild boy who grew up at the border, and he's dreaming about marrying someone so way out of his league?" My fingertips gradually tightened around the bedding. I recognized that voice. It was James Carter, a servant who, three years ago, had been beaten half to death by the steward. I had taken him under my wing and given him money to treat his wounds, after which he had dropped to his knees at my feet, crying, saying he would only ever acknowledge me as his master from then on. … When daylight was fully bright, Mother came. She didn't even look at me as she ordered the servants, "Move everything from Luke's room to Val's. Val is getting married today. He needs to have the best of everything." My head snapped up. "Mother, those are things Grandfather left me. They bear the general's private seal and my name is written on them..." Mother finally turned to look at me. The next instant, a slap landed heavily on my face. I was struck so hard that I fell back against the edge of the bed, my mouth filled with the taste of blood. Mother sneered, "Yours? Val is the prince consort! His dignity is the Ashford family's dignity! You're just a male consort specifically named by Her Highness! What use do you have of these things?" What? So I would essentially just be a plaything to the princess? One of the palace attendants stepped forward, smiling, and unrolled the decree. "Princess Eleanor, in consideration of past ties with Mr. Lucien, permits you to enter the palace alongside the prince consort. Even though you are only a male consort, it is still a blessing others could only wish for." My breath hitched. Outside, the servants were already carrying an ornate rosewood coffer away. I rushed over barefoot and grabbed a corner of the coffer. "Put it down! This is mine!" Mother raised her foot and stepped down hard on my wrist, which had not yet healed from having blood drawn the day before. The wound split open instantly, and blood flowed out. But she only spat with disgust, "Today is a joyous occasion. If you stir up any more trouble, I will personally see that you are punished." I collapsed onto the ground and watched with open eyes as the last coffer was carried away. The last bit of pain in my chest felt like it had been dug out and emptied. The sound of drums and trumpets soon filled the front courtyard—Eleanor had arrived. I propped myself up on the edge of the bed and felt under the pillow for the pill that would help me feign death. I looked at it for a long time, then finally tipped my head back and swallowed it decisively. At that moment, the door was kicked open violently. Several guards rushed in and, without saying a single word, grabbed my arms and hauled me up. "Mr. Lucien, Princess Eleanor has ordered that you go to the hall at once." And with that, I was dragged all the way to the hall. My parents sat at the very front, and Valerian, in his wedding robes, had Eleanor nestled beside him. Valerian looked at me with an air of consideration. "Luke, I know you've always admired Her Highness, but entering the palace comes with a condition." As if on cue, a servant brought over a bowl of dark medicinal brew. Eleanor hesitated for a moment, then said in a heavy voice, "Drink it. Val's health has now been properly restored. Any children I bear can only be his. Since you'll just be a male consort, you should cut off any thoughts you ought not to have." I froze where I stood, my eyes instantly reddening. "Eleanor, I would rather die than marry you!" A vicious look abruptly surged in Eleanor's eyes, as if stung by my words. "Lucien, don't be ungrateful." With a single glance from her, the guards strode forward and reached out to grip my jaw and force my mouth open. I grabbed a porcelain cup from the table and smashed it hard. Then, picking up the sharpest shard, I pressed it against the side of my neck. Beads of blood seeped out instantly. Gasps of shock rose from the guests filling the hall. Valerian's eyes reddened, and his voice trembled slightly. "Luke, are you... Are you still thinking of having Her Highness bear children for you? Is that why you won't take the contraceptive brew?" Mother shot to her feet in fury and scolded sharply, "You wretched creature! Have you gone mad? Must you ruin Val's wedding today?" Father also slammed the table in rage. "Guards, what are you standing around for? Take that thing out of his hand! Don't let him continue making a spectacle here!" Eleanor fixed her eyes on me, coldness filling their depths. "Lucien Ashford, you are refusing the dignity I gave you! Guards, tie him up and send him to the palace through the back gates! I will have this contraceptive brew forced down his throat today, one way or another!" The guards rushed forward at her command—some pried at my wrist while others yanked hard at my arms. I couldn't break free. When the shard was finally snatched away from me, it carved a long, bloody gash across my palm. Just as a mouthful of the contraceptive brew was forced down my throat, a sharp pain twisted through my abdomen. I tasted the metallic tang of blood on my tongue before spitting it out. Then, I collapsed heavily onto the wedding silks covering the floor. Before my eyes closed, I saw Eleanor's face go deathly pale as she stumbled toward me. "Luke!" I sensed someone frantically checking my breath before trembling and falling to their knees. "Your Highness... Mr. Lucien... H-He's not breathing!"