Serpent's Sting, Sweetest Heart

On the set of a live reality show, the celebrity everyone privately nicknamed "The Viper" suddenly snatched my phone. She announced she was doing a surprise "phone inspection" for the cameras. The thing is, I only have one contact in my entire phonebook. The name is saved as "My Sweetest Heart." When she saw that, her eyes lit up. Without a second's hesitation, she mashed the call button. A few seconds later, her own phone started ringing. The live-stream chat exploded. 1 And The Viper? She absolutely lost it. Her face became a kaleidoscope of fury and embarrassment. I couldn't stop myself from letting out a wheezing cackle that sounded like a flock of dying geese. The host just stood there, frozen, with no idea how to salvage the train wreck. After all, The Viper—Seraphina—and I were famous for hating each other's guts. And now, it looked like the two of us were calling each other pet names in private. Forget her, I was cringing so hard my spine was trying to escape my body. But the thought of making Seraphina squirm was just too delicious. Another wave of honking laughter burst out of me. 2 Seraphina was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. She'd stormed into Hollywood to chase a man, and her debut was a nine-figure blockbuster with a cast so star-studded it was intimidating. I, on the other hand, was a nobody. I clawed my way up through indie web series, hoping to snag a few fans by sheer volume of work. Our worlds should never have collided. But a while back, I happened to be in the same city—and the same restaurant—as the latest A-list heartthrob. The paparazzi snapped a picture and ran with it, spinning a whole story about a secret affair. Seraphina went ballistic. Because that A-lister was the man she was famously obsessed with. As soon as she heard I was supposedly with her idol, she put a target on my back. First came the bot-farm-fueled hate trends and the sabotaged castings. Then she started showing up at every event I was at, finding any opportunity to undermine me, to isolate me, until my reputation was in shreds. It was a calculated attack, and I never saw it coming. By the time I realized what was happening, I was branded a desperate, pathetic clout-chaser. My already scarce job offers dried up completely. I was close to not even being able to book a cheap commercial. This reality show was, without a doubt, another one of her traps. But I'd learned my lesson. I came prepared for anything. And not only did I dodge the bullet, I managed to fire one right back. 3 After the phone incident, the set was pure chaos for a long time. Lucas, the A-lister himself, was also a guest on the show. When he first saw the contact name, he kept shooting me these looks, a mix of disgust and certainty, like he was about to tell me to give up my pathetic little crush. Now that the truth was out, he was just as stunned as everyone else. "How could it be? How is that Seraphina's number? Weren't you obsessed with me? You even followed me to my hotel." I just rolled my eyes and played dumb. "Beats me." Seraphina was frozen solid. After a long, agonizing moment, she stormed over, shoved my shoulder, and spat, "You set me up! How could I possibly be your 'Sweetest Heart'?" Still refusing to believe it, she started frantically digging through my phone. First, the photo gallery. It was filled with every gorgeous picture she'd ever posted online, from last year to this morning. Not a single one was missing. Next, my DMs. Her chat was pinned to the top, her name saved as "The Most Beautiful Angel in the Universe." Then, she checked my social media. My private, anonymous account was suddenly on display for the world to see, its feed a cringeworthy monument to cheesy romance quotes. "I can lift a 200-pound barbell, but I can't lift the thought of you off my mind." "Your father must have been a thief, because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes." "I wish I were your shadow, so I could follow you for the rest of your life." The most recent post was from yesterday. "Sera, my sweetest heart, my number one darling, you're living rent-free in my head 24/7." Seraphina stared at the screen, her expression turning vacant. She looked at it for so long I thought she might burn a hole through the glass, her slender fingers completely still. She only looked up when the host called her name. Her eyes, once sharp and bright, were now filled with a baffled sort of defeat. As the host tried to fill the dead air with loud, fake enthusiasm, she seemed to drift into her own world. Her voice was a fragile, distant whisper when she finally asked the question that seemed to echo from another dimension. "You… you're really that into me?" I almost burst out laughing again. Of course not. I'd bought the account from a meme page a few days ago. The original owner had collected all those cheesy quotes; I'd only written the last one. But to really twist the knife, I leaned in close, my voice a conspiratorial whisper. "Yeah. Took you long enough to notice, didn't it?" Seraphina looked horrified. She stumbled back a few steps, the words "Get away from me" practically written on her forehead. Seeing her so freaked out sent a jolt of pure, unadulterated joy through me. It had been so long since I'd felt the thrill of victory. I was giddy with it. I shot her a cocky, triumphant smirk. Her face cycled through that beautiful rainbow of emotions again, finally settling on a deep, burning red as she slowly turned her head away. 4 By the time we left the studio, we were the number one trending topic. #PiperAndSera #PipersNameToSera #SeraSweetestHeart #SerasFacepalm #SeraBlushing #SeraOuted #PiperGetOutOfHollywood Every tag was marked with a little flame icon, indicating it was viral. The internet was on fire. [Piper and Sera, is this for real?] [LOL someone's asking if it's real. Of course not! Sera totally ignored her afterward. This is all Piper's one-sided obsession!] [First she leeches off Lucas, now she's leeching off Sera. She'll attach herself to anyone famous!] [My poor Sera, having to deal with this parasite again. There there.] Predictably, the hate was still pouring in for me. But I never expected to fix my reputation overnight. Just surviving her latest trap was a win. I was feeling pretty good about myself. I put on a face mask and drifted off into a deep, satisfied sleep. I was dead to the world when my phone started vibrating like a jackhammer. My agent, Jenna, was calling me over and over again. "What the hell is going on with you and Seraphina? And what does her latest post even mean?" Jenna's voice roared through the speaker, loud enough to shake the fillings in my teeth. The blast of sound left me dazed and confused. It took me a solid minute to remember the reality show, the phone call, all of it. "Seraphina?" I mumbled. "Oh, I just messed with her a little yesterday." "And the post? What was that post about?" "She posted something?" I closed my eyes, trying to think. "Probably trashing me." Jenna sounded like she was about to have an aneurysm. "Are you still in bed? Get up, wash your face, and look at Seraphina's social media. Then you're going to call me back and explain to me exactly where you two stand!" The line went dead. I groaned, ready to roll over and go back to sleep, but my eyes caught the notification bubble on my phone. 99+ new messages. I tapped it open. They were all from Seraphina, sent late last night. It was a dizzying wall of text. I had to scroll all the way to the top just to start reading. Sera: I need to think about what happened this afternoon. Sera: I never knew you felt that way about me. Am I really that irresistible? Well, of course I am. I've been a heartbreaker since kindergarten. Sera: So all that stuff with Lucas... you were just studying the competition? Sera: You little schemer. You didn't even try to deny the rumors, did you? Figuring that would get my attention? Sera: Well, it worked. Sera: I admit it. Your little game got to me. Sera: Okay, here's the deal. If you can win Best Actress, I'll give you a chance to win me over. Sera: That's not asking too much, right? Sera: I mean, I'm this amazing. You've got to work for it if you want to be worthy of me. ... She went quiet for a moment. About ten minutes passed before the next message. Sera: Why aren't you answering? Giving me the silent treatment? Sera: Is it because my standards are too high? Sera: Fine. I didn't realize you were so sensitive. Forget the Best Actress award, whatever. I guess I can spoil you a little. Sera: Pick a date. We'll make it official. Sera: How about in two minutes? It'll be 10:22. Do you like the number 22? Sera: ... Sera: Still not talking? You're not just messing with me, are you? Sera: It's 10:25 now! You missed the perfect time! Could you at least try to act like a proper girlfriend! Sera: What is your deal? Sera: You don't want to go public? Fine. Whatever. Sera: It's not like I was dying to announce it anyway. LOL, who's the one who's desperate here? You're so full of it. Sera: ... Sera: Baby, I'm sorry. Sera: I was just kidding. Please don't ignore me. Sera: All my money will be yours. Just please talk to me? [Venmo: $20,000] Sera: I maxed out my transfer limit. I'll sign the deed to my condo over to you tomorrow. Sera: It's about time we got a place together anyway. Sera: Not that I'm in a rush to get married. I'm only bringing it up because I know you're probably getting impatient. Don't get the wrong idea. Sera: What color wedding dress do you like? What style for the house? Do you want to live here or abroad? A year-long honeymoon should be enough, right? I'm not going to spoil you more than that. A woman needs her career, after all. Sera: ... Sera: Still ignoring me? Sera: I get it. You're worried I won't be... good enough. In that department. Sera: Look, it'll be my first time with a woman too, but I'm a very fast learner. I promise I won't disappoint you. Sera: Nothing? You don't believe me? Sera: You're playing with fire, woman. Sera: ... The more I read, the more awake I became, all traces of sleepiness obliterated. Jenna's furious shouting echoed in my head, and I finally understood why. My hands trembled as I opened up my social media app. Seraphina's name was at the top of every trending list. I clicked on it. She had just reposted a trashy tabloid article that accused me of being a clout-chasing parasite. And her caption read: "Touch my woman and you die." The post had over a hundred thousand comments in minutes. 5 "Blocked! You're all blocked!" Seraphina was on a rampage, threatening to get every single tabloid account shut down. Her fans were having a meltdown of their own. [Sera, sweetie, what are you doing?] [Are you seriously with Piper?] [Piper has nothing to offer you! Even Lucas would be better, at least he's on your level!] My vision went dark for a second. Seraphina's the one who posted it, so how am I the one getting all the hate? Is she trying to get me cyberbullied to death? I scrolled down. It wasn't just that one post. She was arguing with everyone in the comments. Fan: [Piper is just playing you! Only your fans are loyal to you! Wake up, Sera!] Seraphina reposted that one with her own reply. "Playing me? Impossible. She's been hopelessly in love with me for years, she was just too scared to admit it. If I hadn't made the first move, she'd still be pining in secret." Her fans were devastated. [Piper has no career and no money! She's obviously just after your fortune!] Sera's reply: "Then why isn't she after someone else's fortune? It's because she's in love with me." [This is a publicity stunt! It has to be!] Sera's unfiltered response: "LOL, try not to be so bitter." Finally, at the bottom of the feed, I found an original post from her. Sera: To think that all this time, in places I couldn't see, someone was loving me for years. She'd even added a blushing smiley face emoji. I was dumbfounded. What was she even talking about? I could read the individual words, but strung together they made absolutely no sense. I didn't save that many photos of her, just everything from the past year. Does she actually want to be my "Sweetest Heart"? This is a nightmare. I need to go back to sleep. Two minutes later, I shot up in bed, wanting to slap myself. What have I done? Why did I have to create that stupid contact name? What am I supposed to do now? Am I actually going to have to be Seraphina's girlfriend? No way. I'm straight. A proud, card-carrying straight woman. How am I supposed to be someone's girlfriend? Although… Seraphina's not so bad. I mean, besides being completely unhinged, she's actually pretty normal. Maybe I should just text her and clear this whole thing up. I picked up my phone, my thumb hovering over the keyboard. Just then, a message from Jenna popped up on the screen. "I think I have the gist of the situation now. Just a friendly reminder: when Seraphina thought you were her rival, she made your life a living hell. Can you imagine what she'll do if she finds out you were just playing with her feelings? And besides, she's not really into you. She's probably just using you to make Lucas jealous. You should use this opportunity while you have it." Oh. So she's just using me to get to Lucas. A wave of relief washed over me. I smoothly typed out a message and sent it to Seraphina. "Good morning, my love! Sorry, I was asleep! Didn't mean to not reply. Just wanted to say I love you today too! Mwah, sweetest heart!" Seraphina replied instantly. "Tsk. So needy." She followed it up with an image. I opened it. It was a spreadsheet. It listed the names of several tabloid accounts and individual trolls. I recognized a few of them, the ones who were always posting photoshopped, unflattering pictures of me. My heart skipped a beat. Had she…? Seraphina's next message was dripping with regal authority. "These accounts have all been banned. Don't worry. I'll make everyone who ever bullied you pay the price. I'm going to let the whole world know that you are mine to protect!" ... Well damn. That was actually a huge help. Before I could even type out my gushing thank you—"Thank you, my darling! I love you so much! You've made me so happy! Mwah mwah mwah!"—another novel-length message arrived. "So, are you looking for any acting roles right now? Any scripts you're interested in? Are you free today? We could go take care of some paperwork. I'll sign my house over to you first, then we can get our marriage license. Oh, have you thought about a wedding venue yet? And the dress color? You never answered my questions from last night, were you even paying attention to what I wrote? All you do is act cute. You can't just get by on my love for you! Can't you focus on the important things for once? You exasperating, irresistible little minx!" "..." I was getting a headache just reading it. Who taught her to type this much? Is she training for a marathon with her thumbs? 6 On the trending charts, two topics were pinned to the very top. #SeraTouchMyWoman #PiperIsMyWoman My friends and relatives spent the next hour absolutely roasting me in the group chat, while the person responsible for all of it was busy planning our wedding. I laughed. But behind the laughter, my brain was just a blank screen of static. I had no idea how things had gotten to this point, only that it felt very, very wrong. It took all my diplomatic skills to steer her away from the topics of marriage licenses and property deeds. Seraphina was a little pouty after being turned down. "Fine. No license. But we can at least make our relationship official online, right? You can post a few of my selfies to stake your claim." She sent a picture. [selfie.jpg] "I'm so devastatingly beautiful, it's only natural for you to desire me. Of course, you're not bad looking yourself. A perfect match for me, really." "Why aren't you saying anything? Did the picture not send?" [selfie.jpg] "You see it this time, right?" "Don't tell me you still haven't gotten it. Why are you so quiet? Are you blushing? Heh. You silly little thing. If you like them, just say so. I'll send you as many as you want. All of me belongs to you, let alone a few pictures." I could feel goosebumps crawling up my arms. How does she type this stuff without throwing up in her mouth a little? She has to be doing this just to mess with me. My morning was already a mess, and her cringey messages were the last straw. I decided to fight fire with fire. "Sera, you're so pretty! I love you so much! Licking the screen rn." She immediately sent a barrage of fifty consecutive selfies, seeming incredibly excited by my response, even though her words said the opposite. "Whoops, my finger slipped. Sent too many. Just delete them on your end. And don't you dare save them secretly. Also, you're a real pervert, you know that? I knew you were trying to hold back your feelings for me. So this is what you're really like. It's so twisted. But I love it. I've always liked people who are direct. You little devil. I just want to pin you down and have my way with you right now." ... I wanted to have my way with her too, preferably by strangling her. But her public image was already a smoldering crater after this morning's meltdown; exposing her cringey DMs wouldn't even make a dent. Seriously, where was she getting these lines? I couldn't take it anymore. I furiously typed out the most vicious, cutting words I could think of. "That contact name was just a prank to mess with you!" Then, slowly, I deleted it. Forget it. My life is more important. 7 During the show's taping that afternoon, Seraphina was practically glowing. Thanks to yesterday's drama, the host kept trying to drag us into the conversation. Seraphina, like a peacock showing off its feathers, preened for the cameras, her voice dripping with a smug satisfaction that a deaf person could have picked up on. "That's right, I have a girlfriend. I've had an awakening… of my identity. I think I'm better suited to be the one who wears the pants in the relationship. A joke? What joke? I'm completely serious—" At that point, the host physically dragged her off-stage. When she returned, she was scowling and muttering a string of very colorful curses under her breath, making it clear she held the entire production in contempt. The host, at his wit's end, quickly started the next game segment. I was standing off to the side, far from the main cameras, sipping a cup of tea. Another actress, about as famous as I was, sidled up to me. "How come Sera didn't pull you into the spotlight with her? What's the deal with you two? She's not going to beat you up after what happened yesterday, is she?" I would have loved to talk trash about Seraphina, but given my new, very public "role," I had to play nice. "No," I explained. "She's actually really sweet." "So you two are really together?" the actress asked, her eyes gleaming with gossip. I chose my words carefully. "Not—" "Heh." A familiar, smug laugh came from behind me. A second later, an arm snaked around my shoulders. It was Seraphina. "I know you're shy, baby, but you can't just lie like that. We're obviously together," she purred, then turned to the other actress. "Yes. We're together." She then turned back to me, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "You still haven't answered my question from this morning. When are we going to make it official? I just want to tie you to my side so you can never leave me. How's that for a public declaration?" My jaw dropped. Where on earth was she finding these lines? "It's… great," I said, my voice betraying my utter disbelief. "I think so too," Seraphina agreed. "I'll have a master astrologer pick an auspicious date, and we'll announce it in style." As she spoke, I watched the other actress's expression morph from hopeful excitement to baffled confusion, to the kind of look you give a raving lunatic, before she just sort of… drifted away in a daze. A shame. I think she'd wanted to ask for an autograph. Once the actress was gone, Seraphina slid into the seat beside me. Suddenly, we were very close, and her clean, cool scent washed over me. A casual glance revealed the impossibly smooth, pale skin of her neck. She rested her cheek on her hand, and when she noticed me looking, a self-satisfied smirk played on her lips. "Staring again? Can't get enough of me? You're just that obsessed, aren't you?" On pure instinct, I cooed, "My darling sweetie-pie is the prettiest girl in the whole wide world. I can't help but look!" She raised an eyebrow, a smile she couldn't suppress blooming on her face. "So that's why you ran off to a corner as soon as I left the stage. Can't function without me, huh? Don't love me too much. Heh. Hehehehehe. Hahahahahahaha! You clingy little thing. I swear I'm going to sew you into the pocket of my dress. You should have just told me you liked me sooner. Who knows how much longer you would have suffered in silence if I hadn't found you out yesterday." Once she started, she couldn't stop. Inside, I was thinking: You are completely insane. Outwardly, I just nodded along. "Yes, I love you SO much." She started giggling again, her bright eyes shining with an emotion I couldn't quite decipher. I smiled back at her. I've always been a smiler, so it was easy. After a moment, she said, "You know, you're so sweet, baby. You're the first person who just… goes along with everything I want. And your smile is so beautiful." I almost snorted. What a load of crap. She was rich and powerful. The world was probably full of people who bent over backward for her. But then I reconsidered. With a personality as certifiably insane as hers, maybe finding people who could stand her was actually a challenge. Maybe she knew she was a handful. I just kept smiling. She tilted her head slightly, a strand of long, dark hair falling beside her ear. Then she reached out, her pale, delicate fingertip gently brushing against my eyelashes. Ugh. Static. And just like that, my entire body went numb.