When Memory Erases Me, Who Am I?

On New Year's Eve, my little brother begs me to play hide-and-seek with him. The moment I cover my eyes and count to 30, the "eraser" in my mind starts moving again. I stand frozen for a few seconds, then turn around, go back inside, and start watching TV. An hour later, Mom crouches down in front of me. "Sweetheart, where's your little brother?" Little brother? I blink, confused. "I don't have a little brother…" Her expression drops instantly. Leaving the New Year's Eve dinner untouched, everyone surges out into the heavy snow. But no matter how hard we search, we can't find my brother. Mom raises her hand and slaps me hard across the face. Her eyes bloodshot. "Didn't I tell you to keep your brother company? Didn't I tell you not to let him out of your sight?" she screams. "Where is he now? Which way did he go? Answer me!" I'm shoved to the ground, tumbling into the snow and ice. "Why couldn't it have been you who got lost, you idiot? It's not like you can remember a single thing anyway! "You forgot your brother this time. What's next? Are you going to forget your father and me, too?" Mom lunges forward, wanting to strike me again, but Dad grabs her and holds her back. They won't stop crying, and my heart aches alongside them. She's right. Why couldn't it have been me, the idiot, who got lost instead? Chapter 1 Dad caught Mom's wrist just inches from my cheek, gripping it tightly. "Enough!" he barked, his voice hoarse. "He's sick. Don't you know that he's sick?" "It's precisely because he's sick that I told him not to take even a single step out of the house with his little brother!" Mom yanked her hand free, but she didn't come any closer. She just stared at me, her eyes bloodshot. "He's only three years old! Where could he possibly go in such heavy snowfall?" Three years old? I tried to speak, but no sound came out. Was she referring to this little brother of mine? But my mind was a complete blank, except for the New Year's Eve concert replaying on TV and the snow swirling outside. Hearing the commotion, the neighbors came over too. "Let's keep looking. A kid can't have run far. Maybe he went to one of his friends' houses?" Dad pulled Mom to her feet. "Why are you still sitting here? Get up and help look! There's no point trying to explain it to him!" For a moment, Mom's eyes seemed to clear. "Right! I need to find my Ray-Ray…" Without another glance at me, she grabbed a flashlight and hurried outside. The neighbors followed, shouting my little brother's name, while I stood there alone, my mind utterly blank. "Ray-Ray? Isn't Ray-Ray my name?" I wondered. I only had memories from before I was three years old. Back then, Mom and Dad called me "Ray-Ray", too. "Josh Greenwood! What are you standing there for? Come help us find your brother!" Josh? Why had my name changed? Whatever. If I couldn't figure it out, there was no point in thinking about it. I had barely stepped outside when a shout came from somewhere in the distance. "I found him! Ray-Ray's here!" Everyone rushed toward the old locust tree at the entrance of the village. There was a shallow trench there, almost completely buried beneath the snow. My little brother, Ray-Ray, was inside. His face was purple from the cold, and his hair was matted with icicles. Mom let out a wail and threw herself toward him. "Ray-Ray! My Ray-Ray!" As if he sensed her, Ray-Ray opened his eyes. But instead of looking at Mom, he stared straight at me. "Joshie… Why didn't you come find me?" he asked before bursting into tears. "You promised you'd come find me after counting to 30. I've found a hiding spot, and I was waiting for you…" Mom snapped her head toward me. She gently laid Ray-Ray down, then walked over. Her palm cracked across my face, and my left ear immediately rang with a loud buzz. "Are you happy now?" Mom snarled, her voice trembling with rage. "Are you satisfied after seeing how he nearly froze to death? How could I have ended up with a child like you?" "This illness… This damn illness! It makes you forget your brother, forget us—what, are you going to forget who you are next?" Her tears finally spilled down her cheeks. "Or… did you do this on purpose? Did you pretend not to remember, then leave him out in the freezing snow to die?" "Enough!" Dad finally spoke up, but all he did was pull Ray-Ray closer against his chest. "Let's get Ray-Ray home and warm him up. The doctor will be here soon." No one said a word in my defense. I didn't know how to defend myself either. It had indeed been my fault in the first place. Mom glared at me, eyes burning with rage. "You stay right here. Feel just how cold and terrified your brother was!" With that, they turned and left. Seeing this, the neighbors felt there was nothing more they could say and went home as well. Chapter 2 The snow came down harder and harder. I slowly crouched and curled myself into the shallow trench, just like Ray-Ray had done. The icy snow immediately soaked through my clothes. So this was how cold it was. I was such an idiot. How could I have forgotten something like that? But… I was indeed sick. The doctor had said I had a rare, progressive memory disorder. It was as though something was slowly eating away at my hippocampus. New memories couldn't take hold, and old ones were also fading bit by bit. Mom said it was as if there was an eraser in my head. But I didn't know why I had one there in the first place. All I knew was that things I could remember in the morning became blurry by noon. Mom called me stupid. Maybe I was. The night grew darker and darker. One by one, the lights came on in the town in the distance, accompanied by the occasional crack of firecrackers. It was time to go home. I moved my stiff legs. But the moment I stood up, that familiar feeling washed over me again. I blinked and looked around. The trees were white. The road was white. I turned around, then turned back. What was I supposed to be doing just now? Go home. Right, go home. But… where was home? My heart suddenly began to race. I pressed a hand against my chest and took deep, shuddering breaths. I had to think. Today was New Year's Eve. My little brother wanted to play hide-and-seek, and then Mom slapped me… And then what happened? I couldn't remember. Whatever. I'd just wait for a bit. When they realized I hadn't come home, they'd come looking for me, just like they had gone looking for my little brother. I sat in the trench, hugging my knees and counting the firecrackers going off in the distance. 1, 2… By 17, I had already forgotten what number I was on. Then the bells rang to welcome the new year. Fireworks exploded across the sky, lighting up the entire night. It was so pretty. During past New Years, Dad used to set off fireworks for me, then tell me to make a wish. But what had I wished for? I'd forgotten that, too. I curled up even tighter. I should've been freezing, but instead, I was getting hotter and hotter. I took off my jacket, then my sweater. But it was still too hot. By the time I stripped down to just my thermal wear, I felt like I was floating. Then I blinked. And suddenly, I found myself back home. The New Year's concert was still playing on TV. Mom sat on the couch with my brother in her arms, feeding him hot soup by the spoonful. "Be good, Ray-Ray. One more sip. It'll warm you up." The color had returned to Ray-Ray's face. He was wrapped in a thick blanket, leaving only his eyes visible. "Where's Joshie?" Ray-Ray asked suddenly. Mom's hand froze midair. "Don't mention him." "But he's not back yet…" "Serves him right!" she snapped. "He should get a taste of what it feels like to freeze out in the snow! He's old enough, yet he can't even keep an eye on his own little brother!" I wanted to walk over and apologize, but I seemed to walk right through the coffee table. I froze. "Josh still isn't back," Dad said as he stood by the window, looking outside. "The snow's getting heavier…" "Now you're worried?" Mom didn't even look up. "What if something had really happened to Ray-Ray today? Huh? Tell me, what would we have done?" Dad fell silent. "He did it on purpose! He's jealous of his brother, so he pretended to forget! That illness… Who even knows if it's real? Even the doctor said he'd never seen such a strange case…" "The doctor already said it's an organic brain lesion," Dad said softly. "Would an organic brain lesion make him forget only his brother and nothing else? Would it let him remember to watch TV but not look for his brother?" Mom's voice suddenly rose. "He hates us for having a second child! He hates us for giving some of our love to Ray-Ray!" Startled, Ray-Ray burrowed deeper into Mom's arms. She immediately softened her tone and gently patted his back. "Shh… Don't be scared. Mommy's not talking about you, my sweet Ray-Ray…" Dad stood by the window for a long time before finally turning away. "When he comes back, I need to talk to him." "Talk about what? About how he almost got his brother killed?" Mom scoffed. "If you ask me, we should just send him to an institution. He can't remember anything anyway, so what difference does it make where he lives?" Dad didn't answer. I stood off to the side and opened my mouth. "I…" No sound came out. I reached for Mom's shoulder, but my hand passed straight through her body. So, I was already dead. Maybe that was for the best. This way, I wouldn't forget anything ever again. Chapter 3 Dad stayed up all night, waiting for me to come home, but I never did. When Mom came out of the bedroom the next morning, she asked, "That damn brat still hasn't come back yet?" Dad sat at the table, smoking. "I went to ask a few of the neighbors this morning. None of them have seen him. He's probably hiding in some corner somewhere, sulking." Mom threw the dirty bedding in her hands onto the floor. "Isn't that what he does best? The second he screws up, he pretends he forgot or plays dumb so we'll feel sorry for him and can't bring ourselves to punish him. "He almost killed Ray-Ray yesterday, and he's still pulling this crap? Just wait till I catch him—I'm going to break his legs!" When he heard that, Ray-Ray, who was sitting on a little stool playing with building blocks, looked up. "Mommy, don't hit Joshie." "Ray-Ray, sweetheart," Mom started, instantly switching to a gentle tone. "Your brother made a very serious mistake. He almost let you freeze to death. He did something wrong, so he has to be punished. Understand?" Ray-Ray gave a vague, half-understanding nod, then lowered his head and went back to stacking his blocks. Dad sighed and stubbed out his cigarette. "The village is only so big. Where could he have run to? He must've felt so wronged last night that he ran off to spend the night at someone else's house." He had barely finished speaking when our neighbor, Marnette Vaugier, yelled loudly from the yard. "Tony! Time to gather at the old locust tree to get ready for the New Year's blessing and firecrackers!" Dad got up. "Everyone has to be there for the ceremony. Just wait till he shows his face—see if I don't beat the hell out of him!" Mom untied her apron too. As she turned, she noticed the half-stitched rag doll on the couch. It was a doll she had given me. A few days ago, Ray-Ray had pulled its arm off, spilling the cotton stuffing inside, and Mom had promised me she'd sew it back together. But now, she strode forward, grabbed it with both hands, and ripped it apart. The already fragile fabric tore completely open. Cotton stuffing poured through the opening and scattered across the floor. I flinched and tried to stop her, but my body passed right through her again. Oh, right. I was already dead. All I could do was stand there and watch Mom throw the torn pieces into the trash. "He's already a teenager, yet he still plays with such childish stuff! All he ever does is play dumb, caring about a stupid doll more than his own brother!" One of the doll's button eyes had fallen to the floor, rolling a few times before stopping at Ray-Ray's feet. He picked it up and closed his little fist around it. "Let's go," Dad said, standing up. "Maybe he's hanging around the old locust tree, watching all the excitement." "Exactly! We can't let him off that easily this time, no matter what! Doesn't he love to forget things? Well, I'm going to beat him until he remembers this lesson for the rest of his life!" They locked the door and led Ray-Ray toward the village entrance. "Josh still hasn't come home?" Marnette asked. "He's been spoiled rotten!" Mom instantly fired back. "Just because we scolded him a bit yesterday, he ran off in a huff and stayed out all night! He's already a teenager, and he's still so immature! "You have no idea… That illness of his… who knows if it's even real? He forgets what he's supposed to remember, but remembers the things he shouldn't! "Last time I scolded him, he turned around and forgot it entirely. He just smiled at me and asked me what was for dinner. Do you know how infuriating that is?" Marnette sighed. "Come on, the boy is sick. You two have to be a little more understanding—" "Understanding?" Mom's voice rose sharply. "If we're any more understanding, he'll think he can get away with anything! I'm going to make sure he learns his lesson this time!" I followed silently behind Mom, unable to stop my tears from falling. So that was what she really thought of me. A crowd had already gathered under the old locust tree at the village entrance. Red ribbons were tied around the trunk. A table had also been set up, and thin wisps of smoke rose from the ceremonial candles in the morning light. Mom's eyes swept through the crowd, her expression growing darker by the second. "Where the hell is he?" "He's probably hiding, too scared to show his face. Once the ceremony's over, we'll search house by house. It's not like he can burrow himself into the ground," Dad said. I blinked. "Mom, Dad, I'm right here. I'm in that trench behind the tree," I murmured. Chapter 4 The blessing ceremony started. The village elder recited the traditional New Year's blessings, and the villagers stepped forward one by one to place a sprig of evergreen at the foot of the tree and light their own candles. Mom went through the motions absentmindedly. It wasn't until boxes of fireworks were carried into the open area and were about to be lit that she suddenly shouted. "Wait!" Everyone turned to look at her. "Josh isn't here yet," she said, her voice sounding a little drained. "For something this important, the whole family should be here." My eyes widened. Mom really did still care about me after all. "Maybe he's just watching from somewhere nearby?" the elder replied. "Let's just light them first. We wouldn't want to miss the appointed time." "But—" "Mommy…" Ray-Ray suddenly tugged on her clothes and pointed toward the shallow trench nearby, half-covered in snow. "Was Joshie there yesterday?" Mom looked at where he was pointing. There seemed to be something at the bottom of the pit. Dad saw it too. Frowning, he walked over and brushed away a thin layer of snow. It was the sweater and jacket I'd taken off the night before. They were frozen solid. Dad's hand hovered in midair as Mom came over too. He stared at the pile of clothes for a few seconds, then snapped his head up to scan the area. But he only saw a vast expanse of white snow, empty and deserted. Ray-Ray tightened his little fist around the button from the rag doll and asked softly, "Joshie took off his clothes… Isn't he cold?" Dad picked up my sweater and stood there without moving. "What on earth is that damn brat trying to pull by leaving his clothes here? Is he trying to make us pity him?" Mom snapped. She snatched the sweater from Dad and shook it. Ice crystals showered down. "Does he think leaving his clothes here will make us feel sorry for him? Make us search everywhere for him? In his dreams! Even if he freezes to death, it would be his own fault! How inconsiderate!" But Dad's face had turned pale. "He… He couldn't have been here all night, could he?" Mom froze for a moment, then slammed my sweater onto the ground even harder. "It's a cheap trick! It's just a trick for sympathy! He just wants to make us worry and make us regret scolding him yesterday! He's probably hiding in someone's nice warm bed right now and laughing at us!" Ray-Ray broke free of Mom's hold and ran over to the trench as well, digging into the snow just like Dad had. Suddenly, he pulled a small object out. It was the name tag from my clothes. Mom and Dad had personally sewn it onto my clothes because they were afraid I'd get lost. Ray-Ray placed the name tag and the button side by side in his little cold hand, looking up at Mom, then at Dad. "Joshie's…" Mom snatched the name tag away, gripping it so tightly that her fingertips turned white. The surrounding neighbors started to realize something was wrong and gathered around. "The boy's clothes are here, but he's gone? He didn't go home last night?" "It's freezing out there. Where could he have gone in nothing but his thermal wear? Could he have—" "Enough with the nonsense!" Mom snapped, cutting them off sharply. "What could have possibly happened to him? He's doing this on purpose!" But I could see her hands trembling. Dad said nothing more. He began searching around the old locust tree. The neighbors, sensing that something was seriously wrong, started searching as well. Ray-Ray, held in Mom's arms, asked her in a small voice, "Is Joshie hiding too? Like I did yesterday? In that hole?" The moment Mom heard him, she suddenly froze, and her gaze darted to the trench. "Josh, don't you dare scare me! If I find out you're playing a trick on us, I swear I'll beat you to death!" Even though she said that, she still let go of Ray-Ray and walked step by step toward the trench. Then she started digging through the snow with her hands. "If you're trying to trick us, we won't want you anymore! You can forget about us for good…" But before she could finish her sentence, a patch of blue thermal shirt peeked through the snow. And then… came my face.