Love and Hate Fade Like a Dying Lamp

Before I left for the untamed wilds, Aiden kissed me like he couldn't bear to let go. He begged me to reach him through the water mirror on the night of the lovers' festival, so we could mark it together even from apart. As luck would have it, a demon beast ambushed us that day. So I wouldn't break my promise, I threw everything into cutting it down fast, took a grave wound, and nearly lost my right arm. But the water mirror on his end stayed silent, hour after hour. Only the next day did Aiden tell me he'd waited until I fell asleep. I even felt guilty over it and apologized to him. Now, thinking back, it's almost funny. I looked him in the eyes. "But you said you'd never take a concubine." Aiden looked away. "That's right. I have no respect for men who keep three wives and four mistresses, and I won't wrong Della." "So, Jan, let's divorce." He set a divorce document down on the stone table. "Jan, you're the brave lady general of the Ninth Heaven. You can always stand on your own. But Della is too fragile. She's already mine, so I have to marry her, and I have a duty to care for her for the rest of her life." "This manor, and all the rewards from quelling the rebellion, I'm leaving to you as compensation. From now on we're still comrades in the army, still friends. You can hate me, but don't make things hard for Della. I can't stand to see her guilty or unhappy." My heart clenched all at once, so tight I could barely breathe. And at the same time, it struck me as ridiculous. He used to despise Della for being weak and useless, a vine that could only cling to someone else. I'd fought with him over it more than once. Now it was the other way around. I couldn't hold back the fury. I slapped him hard across the face. "Aiden, you make me sick!" Not a flicker crossed his face, but a warning edged into his voice. "Janice, I know you've got a fire in your chest, that you won't feel right until you let it out. If you want, you can even take a blade to me. But you'd best not go looking for trouble with Della." "Otherwise, the same hand that can raise you to deputy general can turn you into an ordinary immortal who isn't even fit to set foot in the military camp." "Becoming the first lady general of the Ninth Heaven was your dream, and the Griffin army is your life's work. You suffered so much, gave everything for hundreds of years. Surely that wasn't to end up with nothing. Am I wrong?" I stared at him, unable to believe it, my fingertips crushing the divorce document into creases. Aiden was the God of War, my direct superior, and the man who'd shared my pillow and knew me best. He was threatening me. Before he left, Aiden left me a jar of salve to bring down the swelling in my palm, and then had someone carry off the plaque of the War-God manor. Looking at this manor, so full of memories, that could no longer be called a home. The tears I'd held back for so long finally fell. The next day was Della's monthly day of rest. When I reached her manor, she was directing the servants to pack her things. Last night the servants at home had told me Aiden had set up another manor. It seemed he meant to move there. Seeing me, Della lowered her head, ill at ease. "Sister, you've only just come back from the front. You should be resting a few more days. Why have you come all the way here..." I tossed the cosmos pouch into her arms. "I came to return these relics to their rightful owner. What, am I not welcome?" Della's face flushed faintly. She said in a small voice, "Then what tea would you like, Sister? I'll go prepare it." I said nothing. My eyes went to the trunk on the floor, not yet closed. No wonder Aiden had left so lightly yesterday. I'd meant to have someone pack up his things and send them over. Only to find his study already emptied, his clothes and every private belonging gone. They'd already been moved here. While I stood there stunned, a parrot I knew came flapping out from the back courtyard. It was the pet Aiden had brought back from the mortal realm two years ago. He'd raised it like a son, teaching it to talk whenever he had a free moment. It swept past me and landed on Della's shoulder, calling out. "Mother Della, Mother Della." I remembered how, before I left for the untamed wilds, Aiden had just taught it to say "Papa." He'd told me that by the time I came back, he was sure he'd have it calling me "Mother Jan." It had learned, all right. It just wasn't calling me. I looked at Della and laughed, the sound bitter with contempt. "Why bother packing at all? Isn't it nice right here?" "After all, the whole year I was out there risking my life, the two of you were building your love nest here." Guilty, Della held the cosmos pouch back out to me, uncomfortable. "Sister, these relics are my compensation to you. Please keep them..." I let out a scoff. "Compensation? Della, when that fox-clan fiancé of yours changed his heart and fled the wedding, when he drove you to the brink of taking your own life, it was me who rushed to Verdant Hollow and hacked off his tail to avenge you. For wounding an outsider without leave, I was punished with a hundred strokes of the military rod." "When you said you had no face left to stay in Verdant Hollow, it was me who brought you to the Ninth Heaven, gave you a manor, arranged for you to study under a master relic-crafter so you'd have a skill to live by, and pulled strings among my immortal friends so you could take commissions before you'd even finished your training." "Even the fine raw materials you used to make your relics came from my private stores. Seven hundred years, you and I as sisters. As long as it made you happy, there was nothing I wouldn't do for you." "But you live in the manor I gave you, carry on with my husband, and then use my own things to compensate me. Don't you find that funny?"

Della's tears spilled at once as she sank to her knees at my feet. "Sister, I've let you down, I know. But I was born barren, and I'm only a three-tailed spirit fox with limited talent for cultivation. Why else would that heartless man have thrown me away?" "Aiden is the only one who never held that against me, the only one willing to take me as his wife. I love him. I'll never find anyone more worth leaning on. You've cared for me for hundreds of years, so care for me this one last time, please?" So she did still remember that I had cared for her for hundreds of years. My parents were ordinary folk of the mortal realm, and they resented having a daughter. Once they had a son, they lured me deep into the mountains and left me there, hoping the beasts would eat me and be done with it. I fought a wolf for three days. The wolf died, and I nearly bled to death myself. It was Della, who couldn't even take human form yet and had slipped out to play, who carried me on her back and hauled me home to Verdant Hollow. The fox healer discovered I had extraordinary talent for cultivation. So Della begged her parents, saying it would be a waste to let such gifts wither, and that she wanted a human sister of her own. She pleaded with them to raise me. And so they gave me half of everything they had, and helped me ascend. I swore I would repay the Bennett family, and be good to Della. The spirit stones, the immortal elixirs, the treasures I was granted all flowed to them like water. But it was precisely because I treated her as my own sister that the betrayal cut this deep, this bitter. I closed my eyes for a moment. "Della, you've been failed by someone yourself. You of all people should know a faithless man can't be relied on." "If you still care for me as your sister, cut off all ties with Aiden, and I'll go on looking after you, caring for you as I always have." Della wavered for a few seconds, then shook her head through her tears. "No. Aiden only used to be unsure whether what he felt for you was the kinship of comrades-in-arms or love. Now he's certain it's me he loves. He'd never fail me." "Sister, a woman has to marry in the end. I know you've done so much for me. I'll give the immortal manor back to you, and I can give up being the master craftsman's disciple. But Aiden is the one thing I can't return." It was the answer I'd expected. And still the grief in me wouldn't stop. I tugged at the corner of my mouth and spoke softly. "Della, what you're doing is every bit as shameless as the woman who seduced your fiancé." She froze. When it sank in, she reached into her cosmos pouch and pulled out its magical relics. Then she flung them at me one by one, like something gone mad, nothing left of the pitiful creature from a moment ago. "Janice, if it weren't for me all those years ago, you'd still be a lowly mortal, torn apart by beasts long ago. What right do you have to call me shameless?" "I'm sick of feeling like something a stray got tossed out of charity. I'm going to marry Aiden. I'm going to be the God of War's wife, and I'll keep you crushed under my foot forever and ever!" I stood there, too stunned even to fight back. So in her eyes, my hundreds of years of kindness had been nothing but the charity of a stray. Even a kind of disgrace. Della lost control of herself and nicked her fingertip on one of the relics. The habit was carved into my bones. Before I could think, my hand went out to check her wound. The next second, a blast of power came at me head-on. With no guard up, the whole of me was thrown backward, the small of my back slamming into the doorpost, a low groan wrung out of me by the pain. Aiden shielded Della against his chest and glared at me, furious. "Janice, you know full well Della has a weak heart, and you deliberately came while I was away to provoke her. And now you want to strike her too? You're the shameless one here!" He unfastened the cosmos pouch at his waist. "I've already withdrawn Della from the master craftsman's tutelage on her behalf. The spirit stones and treasures in this pouch are more than enough to settle for this manor and those raw materials of yours. Don't go dredging up this nonsense again!" Della hurled the pouch into my face, weeping. "Janice, whatever sisterhood there was between us ends here. Don't ever appear in front of me again." "I will never let anyone take my husband-to-be from me again!" The mouth of the pouch hadn't been tied tight, and the heavy spirit stones flew out with the throw. They split my forehead open then and there, drawing blood. But neither of them so much as looked at me. Aiden called for the servants to carry the chests to their new home, then gathered the still-sobbing Della into his arms and left. Even far down the path, I could still hear him soothing her in that gentle voice. I lowered my eyes to the blood on the ground, and a bitter smile came, and the tears fell with it. That year, when Della was cast aside by that scum, the man ran off on their wedding day with a woman of higher spiritual power, one better able to bear children. She became the laughingstock of all Verdant Hollow. And all she knew to do was weep and try to sever her own tails to end it, and the sight of it was terrible, all that blood. Even Aiden was shaken watching it. He pulled me into his arms, still frightened after the fact. "Jan, so this is how much it hurts, to be betrayed by the one you love. I would never do that to you. If I ever did, let everyone spit on my name, and let me come to a wretched end." Later, after Della saw how I'd nearly drained my own spiritual power to grow her tails back and save her life, and how I'd angered the clan chief for wounding one of Verdant Hollow's own in the process, I was sentenced by the Heavenly Sovereign to a hundred strokes of the military rod, and couldn't rise from bed for three whole months. She held my hand, aching for me. "Sister, I'm the one who dragged you into this. I won't be so weak ever again. I'll be a great tree that shelters you too." But now, they had gone back on every word of it.

A few days later, Emperor Donovan, an old friend of mine across the years, came out of a three-hundred-year seclusion. He set his wine flask down on my table. "Girl, guess what I just saw? That fox-spirit sister of yours has opened a relic shop on the busiest street in the Ninth Heaven." "Word is Aiden went and begged the boy Sovereign for the spot himself, said he wanted to give it to his sweetheart as a gift. Didn't he swear to heaven and earth he only ever loved you?" "You know as well as I do, those god-officers who commissioned relics from her were only doing it out of respect for you. Now they're all baffled. What in the world is going on?" I took a sip of wine and answered flatly. "Della's long been his. He couldn't bear to see his darling wronged, so he divorced me." "From now on, Della's his problem." Emperor Donovan froze for a moment, then swore, which was rare for him. "Fine. This old man understands now. When you need my hand, just say the word." Seven days later, I went as usual to drill the celestial soldiers who'd only just ascended. When I returned to the immortal manor and pushed open the gate, a blade edged with cold light was already at my throat. Aiden stood there gripping his sword, eyes full of fury. "Janice, was it you, spreading it to our colleagues that Della is a woman of loose conduct who seduced her sister's husband?" "Now none of them will commission relics from her. They cover their noses in disgust the moment they see her, call her a shameless little vixen. Do you know she nearly took her own life over it? You'd actually stoop to something this vile?" I flicked his blade aside with my hand and said coldly, "Whether it's slander, you know perfectly well. I only spoke the truth." Aiden clenched the sword hilt and drew a deep breath. "At tomorrow's morning court, I want you to explain in front of everyone that you were jealous of Della, that you deliberately smeared her name, and I want you on your knees apologizing to her." "Never. If you've got the nerve, kill me." His chest heaved with rage, but in the end he sheathed the sword. "You and I have stood together for years. I won't kill you. But Janice, you will regret this." That same day, Aiden impeached me before the Heavenly Sovereign. He said my nature was domineering and overbearing, more than he could stand, that he'd divorced me long ago back when I was in the untamed wilds, and had since fallen in love with Della. He never imagined I'd trade on my higher spiritual power and, out of jealousy, come storming to his door and nearly kill his bride-to-be. Not only that, he said, I'd spread rumors and dragged his fiancée's name through the mud. Such wickedness was a grave breach of the laws of heaven. He asked the Heavenly Sovereign to cast me down to mortal life, never to ascend again. And the Griffin army I'd poured my blood into training would lose its name too, from now on answering to him alone. To the Heavenly Sovereign, Aiden was the God of War of the Ninth Heaven, and I was nothing but his subordinate, the kind of deputy general found in every camp. Naturally he favored his high minister, and granted the request. He decreed that in three days I would go to the Execution Terrace to have my immortal bones stripped, then be cast down as a mortal. Shaking all over with rage, I went to find Aiden. "The two of you were carrying on behind my back first. I never did any of the things you said. You're framing your own comrade! You're the one breaking the laws of heaven!" Aiden looked at me, unbothered. "But you have no proof, do you? Even gods aren't all-powerful. Even Emperor Donovan, whose standing runs deeper than the Sovereign's, can't turn time back or bring it forward again." He wiped the blood from my cheek and said gently, "Three days from now is also the day of my wedding to Della. Apologize to her before then and restore her name, and I'll plead with the Sovereign for you. Your post stays as it is." "Jan, a woman immortal who wants to enter the camps and hold her ground in a world of men, how much bitterness she has to swallow, how many wounds she has to take, we both know. And none of that is even a ten-thousandth of the pain of having your immortal bones stripped." "You clawed your way to where you are, the only female general in the Ninth Heaven. Don't throw away everything you suffered for, all over a fit of temper. Hm?" Words that sounded like they were spoken for my sake, and yet they sent cold seeping into the marrow of my bones. Never in my dreams could I have imagined that the comrade, the lover I'd once given my whole heart to, could be this shameless. Once I'd cooled down, I reached Emperor Donovan through the water mirror. "Old man, that secret you told me the other day, was it real?" When he confirmed it, my mouth curved up. "The time has come for you to step in." Three days came soon enough. Aiden held his grand wedding to Della at the new immortal manor, with the whole court of civil and martial gods invited, even the Heavenly Sovereign there to witness it. When I appeared, both of them were stunned. Della spoke up nervously, "Sis... Janice, are you here to ruin our wedding? I don't want to see you. Get out..." Aiden shielded her behind him and glared at me, hard. "Janice, at this hour you should be at the Execution Terrace having your immortal bones stripped. Why are you here? Are you defying the decree, or trying to start a rebellion?" Out of the corner of my eye I caught the Heavenly Sovereign's face darkening, and Aiden's hand sliding, quiet and easy, toward his life-bound sword. Smiling, I tucked a strand of hair back. "Listen to the great God of War. I'm the most law-abiding god-officer in all of heaven." "I came to tell you this. You want me to apologize in public? Keep dreaming." I raised my hand and pointed at the gate, biting off each word. "Aiden, didn't you say before that I had no proof?" "Then open your dog eyes and look. The proof is here." As the words fell, every face in the hall went slack with shock.