Regret Too Late

1 I was born with face blindness, yet amidst any overwhelming crowd, I could always pinpoint my childhood friend, Jasper, following him around like a devoted shadow. Jasper never hid his disgust for my presence. "Hazel, when we were kids, you pushed me into the river, and it was your sister Jessica who nearly drowned saving me." "Jessica is the one I love. I despise you, so stay the hell away from me." I tried typing the truth on my phone screen. The one who pushed you into the river back then was Jessica... Before I could finish typing, Jasper snapped, snatching the phone from my hands. "Hazel, be a woman and own up to your actions! Stop doing malicious things and trying to pin them on someone else." He sped down the highway, dragging me to the busiest district in the city center, and smashed my phone onto the concrete. "Consider this your punishment for lying. Figure out how to find your own way home." I stared at his retreating back in complete disorientation. He knew better than anyone that I was mute. It wasn't until three hours later that Jasper strolled back to find me, only for his face to turn instantly pale. Because I wasn't waiting in place like he assumed I would be. Surveillance footage showed that I had mistaken another man for him and left by his side. ... It was a crisp Saturday morning, and my mother had arranged to go shopping with Jasper's mother. They walked arm in arm on either side of my sister, Jessica. Jasper trailed behind them lazily, a lollipop hanging from his lips. I kept a strict distance, following roughly six feet behind Jasper. I could hear my sister's sweet, pampered voice ahead. "Mom, I want to buy a pair of designer heels." Watching their laughing, joyous figures ahead, I lowered my gaze, quietly adjusting the oversized shoes slipping off my feet. When I raised my head again, they had already pulled far ahead. Swallowing the bitter loneliness in my throat, I picked up my pace, desperately trying to catch up. In my haste, I lost track of the distance and accidentally broke Jasper's strict rule of keeping at least six feet away from him. Hearing my uneven footsteps, he turned around. Before I could look up to gesture an apology, Jasper recoiled in sheer disgust, taking a sharp step back to re-establish the gap. "Keep your distance!" I waved my hands frantically, wanting to explain that the crowd was too dense, that I was terrified of getting lost in the sea of unfamiliar faces and never finding him again. But no matter how hard I tried, my throat produced nothing but silent, agonizing air. My mother and Jasper's mother turned around at the commotion. A subtle crease of irritation settled between my mother's brows. "Hazel, you know Jasper gets annoyed the second he sees you. Why can't you just follow quietly from behind? Why do you keep rushing up?" Jessica opened her mouth as if to mediate, but Jasper's mother caught her wrist, smiling softly. "Jessica, sweetheart, let your mother discipline her. Don't get involved." Then she turned to Jasper with a mild scold, "Hazel is unwell, Jasper. As her older brother figure, you should be more patient with her." The minor scene was brushed aside just like that. I stood frozen on the pavement, watching their departing figures until the courage to move my feet completely drained out of me. By the time I pulled myself together, they had vanished without a trace. A sudden urge to cry welled up in my chest. But for a girl who couldn't even make a sound while weeping, no one would ever know I had been left behind. I crouched down just like I used to as a child, counting the concrete tiles on the ground and watching ants crawl past, waiting for someone to finally remember I was missing. When I reached the twenty-first tile, a pair of pristine sneakers slowly entered my line of sight. I raised my head. Jasper was standing there, slightly out of breath. The dark clouds suffocating my chest instantly cleared away. I stood up, offering him a bright, relieved smile as my fingers moved swiftly in sign language. Thank you for coming back for me. Jasper knitted his brows in annoyance. "Your sister realized you were missing and begged me to come look for you." "And stop doing that with your hands. I don't understand sign language." I lowered my hands awkwardly, nodding my head. I didn't blame Jasper; I blamed myself. Ever since the drowning incident seven years ago, I hadn't been able to utter a single word. I knew full well that across both our families, no one except my sister had ever bothered to learn sign language. I shouldn't have used it with him. Seeing my head drop again, Jasper clicked his tongue, his voice laced with irritation. "Always putting on that pitiful act, as if the rest of us are constantly bullying you." "Hurry up. If you lag behind again, we're leaving you." His tone was harsh, but his footsteps noticeably slowed down. Before sadness could take root, a quiet thread of joy bloomed in my heart, and I jogged forward to keep pace with him. We walked a long way before finding my mother, who was waiting impatiently while Jessica held her arm. I bit my lip, not daring to adjust the loose shoes that were chafing my heels with every step. The moment Jasper caught sight of Jessica, his eyes lit up brilliantly. He jogged over to her like a boy eager to show off. The tiny bit of closeness I had just managed to build was instantly shattered into pieces. "Jessica, I brought her back!" He flashed a bright, eager smile at my sister. "Do I get a reward?" Jessica blushed, pushing his face away playfully. "Our mothers are right here, what are you doing?" My mother and Jasper's mother laughed softly at their playful banter. I kept a smile on my face, but a heavy, suffocating ache settled deep in my chest. I couldn't tell if it was pain or envy. Fortunately, Jessica noticed me quickly. "Hazel, stay close this time. If you get lost again, I won't let Jasper go looking for you." I nodded like a small bird pecking at grain. For the rest of the trip, I never fell behind again, though my spirits remained entirely dampened. When Jessica finally grew tired of browsing, my mother announced it was time to go home. I let out a quiet sigh of relief. My feet were throbbing in agonizing pain. I glanced at Jessica's newly purchased designer shoes, unconsciously swallowing my breath. My mother caught my subtle glance instantly, her cheerful expression hardening into stone. "Hazel," she said, her voice dropping into a cold, stern register. "Vanity and envy are ugly traits." I waved my hands frantically, my brows knotting together in desperation as I tried to convey that wasn't what I meant at all. But no sound came out. A crushing wave of helplessness enveloped me entirely. As the tension hung heavy in the air, Jasper stepped in to break the ice. "All young girls like pretty things, Mrs. Bennett. Don't be angry." He put on a stern face, turning to me. "Hazel, apologize to your mother right now." Dejected, I raised my hand and signed a simple apology. My mother's cold gaze finally shifted away from me with a disdainful hum before she took Jessica's hand and walked ahead. Once they were a short distance away, I raised my hands to gesture my gratitude toward Jasper. Jasper stepped back, taking two sharp paces away from me. The playful grin on his face vanished entirely, replaced by an indifferent chill. "Don't thank me." "I only did it because I didn't want Jessica to be upset." The secret spark of happiness in my heart felt like a broken clock hand, coming to a dead, sudden halt. Taking a deep, shaky breath, I finished my silent gesture of thanks anyway. It was only after Jasper turned his head away that I allowed a single, light tear to slip down my cheek. Jasper naturally assumed the responsibility of driving us home. When we pulled up to the driveway, my mother and Jasper's mother went inside first. Jasper suddenly grabbed Jessica's wrist, a youthful, radiant smile lighting up his face. "Jessica, I have something for you." He raised his hand, and a shimmering necklace unraveled from his palm, dangling in the evening light. My eyes followed the movement involuntarily. I remembered that necklace. While we were at the mall, Jessica had stared at it in the display case for a few extra seconds. Later, Jasper had excused himself to use the restroom for a very long time. Jessica's eyes widened in delight, and she threw her arms around Jasper's neck in excitement. "Jasper! Why are you so good to me?" Jasper's hands settled gently around her waist. He let out a low, tender laugh. "Silly girl. Back then, you jumped into the freezing river for me, nearly losing your life just to pull me out. If I'm not good to you, who else would I be good to?" Jessica's body went imperceptibly rigid for a split second. My lips parted. For the first time in seven years, a faint, raspy sound managed to scrape past my vocal cords. "J..." I wanted to say: Jasper, the person who saved you was me. Could you please, just once, turn a fraction of your gaze toward me? But before the words could form, Jessica pulled Jasper inside the house. She cast a cool, brief glance back at me over her shoulder. "Hazel, sweetie, if speaking is too hard for you, you really don't have to force it." A strange, unsettling sensation bubbled up inside me. The elegant face in front of me gradually overlapped with the tear-streaked face of my sister from the day of Jasper's accident. Seven years ago, both our families went camping by the river. Jessica wanted the hand-crafted toy Jasper was holding. Jasper refused, and the two of them started arguing. I stepped in to pull them apart. With a sudden splash, Jasper fell into the deep water. I stared in shock at Jessica's hand, which she hadn't managed to pull back in time. Without thinking twice, I dived into the rushing current after him. I managed to drag Jasper to the muddy bank. Jessica threw her arms around him, sobbing loudly. By the time the adults rushed over, I finally felt safe enough to lose consciousness. When I woke up in the hospital, I could no longer make a sound. I wanted to ask for help, but everyone looked at me with strange, alienating expressions. Their eyes were filled with high-and-mighty disgust, contempt, and a subtle trace of fear. Only later did I discover that Jessica had told everyone she was trying to get the toy because I said I liked it, and that I had shoved Jasper into the river out of spite when he refused. I cried, desperately trying to explain that I hadn't done it. But with my vocal cords severely damaged from water inhalation, I couldn't form a single coherent word. When no one was around, Jessica knelt by my hospital bed, weeping as she begged me. "Hazel, if you tell the truth, my life is ruined." "If you just take the blame for this, I promise I will give you whatever you want in the future." Looking at her tear-stained face, I ultimately yielded. True to her word, she treated me better after that. When my condition worsened and I became entirely mute, she acted as my voice, interpreting my needs to the world. When my face blindness made it impossible to recognize people, she convinced Jasper, who had willingly become her loyal follower, to walk me home from school every day, even though he had once despised me. In return, my mother grew increasingly distant and neglectful toward me. Jasper looked at me with deepening disgust with every passing year. Jessica became the only person in the world who was kind to me. Watching her radiant, graceful smile as she stood in the doorway now, I suddenly couldn't tell anymore. Had my miserable existence been a long-premeditated trap, or merely an unfortunate accident? That night, after taking a deep breath, I knocked on Jessica's bedroom door. She was standing before her vanity mirror, trying on the necklace Jasper had bought her. Seeing me enter, she waved her hand casually. "Perfect timing. Come help me clasp this." As I reached out my hands, her fingers intentionally loosened. The pearl necklace fell to the floor, scattering beads across the carpet. I bent down to pick them up, but before my fingers could reach the pearls, her sharp shoe heel stomped down hard on the back of my hand. Her usually gentle voice turned icy, laced with a terrifying, unfamiliar malice. "Stop pretending, Hazel." "You've figured it out by now, haven't you?" Pain shot through my hand. I raised my head, my entire body trembling as my lips moved silently. Why? "Why?" Jessica repeated, pressing her heel down with even greater force. "Because ever since we were kids, you were the golden child everyone praised! The teachers adored you, our parents favored you, and even Jasper kept trailing behind you!" She reached down, grabbing a fistful of my hair, jerking my head closer to hers. "Hazel, I should be the one asking why!" "We could have lived in peace." "But I sacrificed far too much to get to where I am today. I copied your gentle demeanor, pretending to be the perfect, obedient daughter, even though I loathed every second of it!" "I even found someone to get me a specialized chemical compound, ensuring your voice box would never recover, just so you could never speak the truth!" Seeing the physiological tears brimming in my eyes, Jessica's smile widened into something terrifying. "Did you really think the water damage to your vocal cords was that severe back then?" "It was me. I made sure you would remain silent forever." "So don't you dare think about destroying everything I worked so hard to gain!" She shoved me back violently, grabbed the new designer shoes our mother had bought her that morning, and sliced them into ribbons with a pair of fabric shears. Then, right before my eyes, she delivered several harsh, brutal slaps to her own face. Red, swollen handprints bloomed vividly against her fair skin. Tears instantly flooded her eyes. She clutched her face, screaming hysterically toward the door, "Hazel! What are you doing?! Please stop, I'm scared!" My father and mother burst into the room a second later. Seeing Jessica's hysterical state, they rushed forward, pulling her into an embankment of protective arms. What landed on me was my father's heavy, instinctive slap across my cheek. "Hazel! That is your sister!" I froze on the floor, watching my mother gently patting Jessica's head, soothing her softly. "Jessica, don't be afraid! Mom is right here!" I looked at my father's raised hand, at the burning hatred in my mother's eyes, and at the triumphant, hidden smile on Jessica's face. My vision slowly blurred into darkness. Once Jessica's emotions had supposedly stabilized, my mother called me out into the hallway. "Tomorrow morning, you are coming with me to remove your name from our family registry." "From now on, you are no longer our daughter." My face drained of all color. I choked back a sob, forcing a raspy, painful sound from my throat. "M... Mom..." My mother's suppressed fury exploded instantly. She shoved my reaching hand away with such force that I stumbled hard against the wall. "Don't call me Mom!" "Hazel, how on earth did I give birth to a monster like you?" "The biggest mistake I ever made in my entire life was bringing you into this world." The clock of my world seemed to freeze once more. Learning that you are unloved, learning that you truly have no one but yourself in this world, requires an overwhelming amount of tears. It felt as though an eternity passed before the second hand ticked again. I raised my head with a hollow, dead expression, a single, tragic thread of hope lingering in my eyes. I pulled out my phone and typed rapidly. The one who pushed Jasper into the river wasn't me, it was Jessica. Jessica cut her own shoes and slapped herself. I didn't touch her. Exhausting the very last bit of my strength, I held the screen up in front of my mother's eyes. My mother didn't even glance at it. She simply swiped her hand in disgust, knocking the phone out of my grip. It clattered loudly onto the floor. "I don't care what lies you've typed out. Tomorrow morning, get the hell out of my house." ... When I walked out of the municipal office the next afternoon, the bright, clear sky suddenly gave way to a downpour. Jasper had received the news and arrived quickly. He jogged over to my sister's side, opening a large black umbrella over her head. He cast a fleeting glance in my direction, his eyes completely devoid of any warmth. "Jessica, Mrs. Bennett, let me drive you home." I stood under the awning of the building, holding the handle of my suitcase, watching their departing backs just like I had done countless times before. An hour later, a dark sedan pulled up slowly in front of me. The window rolled down, revealing Jasper's expressionless face. I stood in place, unmoving. "Get in," Jasper repeated, his voice tight. Even after I sat in the passenger seat, I still hadn't fully processed what was happening. I turned my head to look at Jasper's tense profile. When the car stopped at a red light, I finally built up the courage to type out a line on my phone. Where are we going? Why did you come back for me? Jasper didn't speak. Keying into the tight line of his jaw, I could see the sheer impatience rolling off him. I sensibly stopped bothering him, turning my gaze to watch the rain streak across the window. The car eventually pulled over in the heart of the city center. The rain had gradually stopped, and pedestrians were filling the sidewalks. Jasper opened the driver's door, stepping out and speaking coldly. "Get out." He pulled my suitcase from the trunk, then leaned against the car door, looking down at me. "Hazel, do you have anything you want to say to me?" I typed out a sentence on my phone screen, a sentence I had typed a thousand times before. Jasper, the person who pushed you into the river back then wasn't me, it was Jessica. Jasper glanced at the screen. The indifferent look in his eyes hardened into absolute ice. He let out a cold, mocking laugh, snatched the phone from my grip, and slammed it violently against the pavement. The already battered phone shattered completely, the screen going permanently black. When Jasper spoke again, his voice was raspy with rage. "Hazel, you pulled this exact same trick when we were kids." "Is it really that hard for you to own up to your mistakes, to admit how vile you are?" "Or have you always been this rotten, blaming everyone else for your own malice to this very day?" The emotions I had buried deep inside for seven years exploded all at once. I opened my mouth, letting out a silent, desperate roar. Believe what you want, but it wasn't me! Jasper gritted his teeth, letting out a bitter laugh. "Still refusing to admit it, huh?" "And to think Jessica actually begged me for mercy, saying that as long as you apologized, she would let me bring you home for dinner." "You truly don't deserve her kindness." "Since you refuse to apologize, stay right here and figure out how to get yourself back!" He turned and walked away, leaving behind nothing but his cold, receding back. ... Three hours later, believing the punishment duration was sufficient, Jasper casually strolled back to the spot where he had abandoned me. He didn't see my figure anywhere. Frowning, he approached a nearby boutique and asked the manager to pull up the exterior surveillance footage. When the video played on the monitor, his face instantly drained of all color. Because I hadn't stayed in place crying like I always used to. The moment he turned his back on me, I had reached out and clutched the sleeve of a passing stranger, asking him silently: Can you take me away?